“My days of pleasing men are over. You know, I’ve said how I used to sit in bars and learn how to drink cause they wanted me to drink with them and all that. It’s the end. I’m not going to do anything anymore for anybody… As far as being pleasing to men, well, yeah, I would try and cook up nice costumes…” ~ Little Edie Beale, ‘Grey Gardens’
Thirteen years ago – which was 2009 for anyone who wants to be horrified by the passage of time – I completed a project entitled ‘FireWater’ which never saw the dark light of the internet. A printed copy was shown to a very few select friends, but for the most part this long-lost project went silently into the dim recesses of the forgotten, particularly when compared to the bombast and hype surrounding others (see ‘PVRTD‘ and ‘The Delusional Grandeur Tour‘).
Designed as an elemental companion piece to 2007’s ‘StoneLight‘, ‘FireWater’ was my exploration of cocktails and drinking, and was intended to be a very dramatic and dark look at the possibility of becoming an alcoholic. It was more of a character study, something I would explore in works like ‘The Circus Project‘, ‘A Night at the Hotel Chelsea‘ and ‘Bardo: The Dream Surreal‘. Rather than a straightforward autobiographical narrative (something early projects relied upon), the story of ‘FireWater’, while based on actual events, was more of a what-if scenario, deliberately playing up the danger and risks of someone teetering on the edge of control.
2009 was around the time when I was just barely beginning to figure out the way to artistic expression without actively being a direct participant as a subject. That was not a journey that could be completed in a single project or small span of time – that would take years. One of the main reasons ‘FireWater’ was not released then was that I understood, all too well, that putting it out there would only fuel the fire of misunderstanding and mistaken beliefs on my own drinking. In other words, the world would assume I was an alcoholic.
Not to say that I’m not… and not to say that I am… but that’s a discussion for another time. For now, let’s note that I have not had a drink in almost three years, nor have I wanted one, and that has been one of the easier choices I’ve made in my life. Which brings us to another reason why I’m releasing ‘FireWater’ at this moment: like so many other things I’ve recently made a certain peace with lately, this can no longer hurt me. And what others make of my journey has never been within my control anyway. When you reach a certain place of security and self-knowledge, those things fall away.
Entire truth be told, the main reason I didn’t release ‘FireWater’ back then was that I was scared. I knew that it was entirely possible that I was headed toward becoming a problematic drinker, and that was something I wasn’t ready to face or address. For the first time, a project was hitting too close to home, and it felt too immediate to safely post for all the world to see. Some things are better worked through on one’s own time and in one’s own safe-space. I’ve given enough of my soul to the world, laid bare too much and too often. One of my infallible instincts is self-preservation, and it always kicks in when I’m right on the verge of doing something too destructive. It came through then, and so the project was shelved, literally, until I dusted it off a few weeks ago and realized it was time to put it out there.
This week, the online premiere of 2009’s ‘FireWater’ takes place – and this post will act as a placemark and disclaimer, particularly for those who have come to expect mocktails and non-alcoholic mindfulness in these parts. As a creative project, this is not an authentic description of my life, nor should it be seen as an endorsement of heavy drinking. It does describe a certain time period, and certain events, but it is also largely exaggerated, the way many of my projects have been, to play up the exciting or dangerous aspects of what is otherwise a mundane and un-noteworthy existence. The role of an artist is sometimes to make the mundane into something exciting, even if that means accentuating the darker parts of life, and pretending that things are more perilous than they may actually be. ‘FireWater’ was originally a hint at that darkness – and while much of it still stands up to the years that ensued, it is now also a hint of the artistic process, and what role the artist plays in the action.
As mentioned previously, I have’t had an alcoholic drink in almost three years. Alcohol is no longer a part of my life in the way it once was, and being thirteen years removed from this project is more than a safe distance so as not to get burned by it in any way. That said, there are whispers and glimpses of danger here – warnings and forebodings that I see in retrospect, and that makes it all the more compelling. Our journey back to such a place begins in a few days. If you think you can handle it, please join us for the ride.
“There are other ways to kill yourself, I really do think, than swigging down that rotten stuff…” ~ Little Edie Beale, ‘Grey Gardens’
