For my final act this summer, I give you this magical case of the disappearing suit, because this fall I am metaphorically burning all my past trappings to ash. That begins with the onerous albatross of forty-plus years of fashion and sartorial splendor coming off, an exercise in revelation that has been one of the greatest lessons I’ve tried to glean through this blog for the last two decades. Taking it all off here has never been about gratuitous nudity, all category names to the contrary; it’s easier to be physically naked than emotionally so, but this summer we let go of all inhibition – something that could only happen at this mid-stage of life.
Climb up the ‘H’ of the Hollywood sign, yeah
In these stolen moments
The world is mine
There’s nobody here, just us together
Keepin’ me hot like July forever
‘Cause we’re the masters of our own fate
We’re the captains of our own souls
There’s no way for us to come away
‘Cause boy we’re gold, boy we’re gold
And I was like…
Take off, take off
Take off all your clothes
Take off, take off
Take off all your clothes
Take off, take off
Take off all of your clothes
When I was a kid, I’d have no problem running through the neighborhood in my underwear, and even came off a brutal pantsing relatively unscathed. Once our teenage years hit, and adolescence and puberty piled shame upon shame for nudity and nakedness, I was supremely self-conscious, not even wanting to doff my shirt for a summer swim. It was the descent of societal propriety, ending the God-given freedom of the natural state of being nude and putting in its place the buttoned-up armor of my ultimate mask: a wardrobe. That ‘robe’ and ‘war’ should play such pivotal parts in the mixed-up way I was pursuing my path in the world seems oddly fitting now, even if it never really fit me then.
They say only the good die young
That just ain’t right
‘Cause we’re having too much fun
Too much fun tonight, yeah
And a lust for life, and a lust for life
And a lust for life, and a lust for life
Keeps us alive, keeps us alive
Keeps us alive, keeps us alive
Through the ensuing years, my wardrobe took many varied forms, and eventually skin itself would provide just another guise, another layer of armor. Sometimes it would prove the most potent outfit of all. Nothing set more tongues wagging than a peek at what was underneath. It became a study of human nature, and a treatise on what a gay male could get away with – the power balance, the disconnect between reality and perception, the crux of supreme insecurity and almighty confidence. It was more than a battle within myself – it was setting up to be a lifelong war. Only now, as I begin to look back at the totality of the past forty or so years, in the way that middle age and the slow acquisition of a modicum of wisdom reveal such things, can I see faint glimmers of the long arc of these travels – and the journey I’ve been taking in front of the whole world, at least the little bit of the world that decides to visit me here. We cannot truly know where we are going until we figure out where we have been.
Then, we dance on the ‘H’ of the Hollywood sign, yeah
‘Til we run out of breath, gotta dance ’til we die
My boyfriend’s back
And he’s cooler than ever
There’s no more night, blue skies forever
‘Cause we’re the masters of our own fate
We’re the captains of our own souls
So there’s no need for us to hesitate
We’re all alone, let’s take control
At the closing curtain of this wondrous summer, I’m doing a reverse Gypsy Rose Lee act. Taking the damage off and leaving it behind. Letting it burn. As F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote, “No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart.” We hang onto things for too long, storing up our hurt and heartache, waiting to wield them in some other form, to make us feel better in some harmful way, when really we should be letting it all go. That’s a frightening concept to embrace. Old habits become sources of comfort, and no one wants to be uncomfortable. But even the brightest of summers must come to a close, and the fiery opening of fall must begin…
And I was like
Take off, take off
Take off all your clothes
Take off, take off
Take off all your clothes
Take off, take off
Take off all of your clothes
