Mortification plays a big part in one of the memories that, quite rightfully, never made it into ‘The Way Back Home’ – the biography of Sok Nam Ko, my best friend Suzie’s father – which I recently revisited (and is still available here). It was our first night of a three-week trip to the then-Soviet Union, and we had arrived at a hotel in Washington, DC, where we would spend three days preparing. The year 1990 feels very far away, and yet my recollections of that trip remain as vivid and clear as if they happened yesterday. While bunking with a star of the Amsterdam football team named Justice and another boy named Dan, I was a little bit homesick, but comforted for the fact that Suzie’s Dad was right next door. In fact, we were sharing a bathroom between us, so it felt like I had a second Dad there. It was no doubt part of why my parents allowed me to go halfway around the world for almost a month; they trusted Dr. Ko implicitly. On that first night away from them, as we prepared for our journey, I felt the bond between our families as something that might sustain me upon whatever journeys Suzie and I would embark in our lives.
In the hush of that impossibly painful shyness that descends upon boys when their numbers dwindle to two or three, and especially at the time that they are about to retire to bed, no one answered when I asked – twice – if anyone was in the bathroom. When there was no reply I figured it was safe to go in, at which point I opened the door only to find Dr. Ko sitting on the toilet and going about his business. Unperturbed, he glanced my way as I hastened to back out of there and close the door, muttering profuse apologies and almost passing out from embarrassment. The other kids didn’t seem to notice or care, but for me it was mortifying, not least because Dr. Ko was one of the main people in my life who I wanted to impress.
All those memories – happy, amusing, embarrassing, sorrowful, and regretful – came flooding back when I realized it’s been almost thirty years since he passed away. I picked up our copy of ‘The Way Back Home’ and started re-reading about his life’s story, and the way he came to America and made a home and family and career for himself, along with a number of momentous friendships along the way. The book stands as something more than a traditional linear biography – it’s a collection of memories and scrapbook cuttings, that now speaks to a generation of readers who will be more accustomed to its quick sound-bites and stories, and as such it seems a proper time to revisit its magic.
Lovingly, movingly, and often amusingly brought to life by family, friends and just about everyone who made his acquaintance, the spirit of Dr. Ko transcends time and place to tell the story of an immigrant who made an impact on all the people who came into his orbit. From New York Yankee Phil Rizzuto to the fishermen who navigated the seas for him, he touched a wide swath of denizens the world over. In many ways, that was the lesson he taught to me, because in the all-too-brief time I knew him, I was still a shy and reclusive young boy, who watched from afar but gleaned valuable lessons from the father of my best friend, and the best friend of my father.
Perhaps somewhat ahead of its time, ‘The Way Back Home’ offers a multi-media experience for an audience whose attention span has flitted away to two-minute bursts. It contains photos as well as newspaper clippings and a comprehensive collection of the filaments that make up one man’s life – especially one as varied and intricate as Ko’s. A marvel of contradictions and unique ideas, he seemed to relish in the most convoluted way of getting to a solution; that it often worked out was a master lesson in making your own way. Never one to conform, he took his trials as lessons, while his successes he acknowledged with a sly smile, as if he was the only one not surprised by how well they all worked out.
It’s impossible to tell the whole story of one person’s life. We are too hidden, too imperfect, too guarded to make the biographer’s job an easy or even accomplishable one. But this one comes close to capturing the essence of my best friend’s father, and brings him back to life in a way that I didn’t realize I’d been missing all these years later.
{If you’re interested in purchasing a copy of ‘The Way Back Home’ please visit the Sok Nam Ko Educational Exchange Foundation, or contact Elaine directly at elainekotalmadge@gmail.com.}
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