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December 2020

A Midnight Clear

Of all the eves in the year, Christmas Eve has always been the most magical. Celestial beings hold the earth still for a few precious moments, honoring the love and the lesson of the season. The story of the birth of Jesus reminds us of acceptance, of making just a little more room for our brethren in need. And a spirit of goodwill pervades even the most hardened of hearts. There is a light in the midst of this darkest part of the year, as if the universe understood we needed it most right now. 

This is one of my Mom’s favorite songs – I learned it on the piano when I was a kid and she favored it at Christmas. Its images of a winter scene filled with angels and golden harps are soothing, its melody simple and sweet. Evocative of a midnight mass, it reminds me of peace and stillness.

I would think of a clearing in a snowy forest, lit by moonlight from an otherwise-dark sky studded with stars. The planets would join in and sparkle, while icy boughs would channel moonlight and set it off like shards of glass. There was a mystical magic to such a scene, a brush with the ever-elusive sublime, a little bit of light in the midst of all the darkness.

When I was young, even the traditionally-upsetting exercise of attending church services was filled with a certain comfort and joy, where happiness and peace over-rode the usual social anxiety. There was something safe in a time when everyone was happy, when it didn’t feel like fights or battles or wars could ever break such a spell. 

When the sun and the moon revolved around a winter world, when the snow and the pine trees conspired to make such a beautiful pairing – this was the time of peace and stillness. It was in honor and reverence to whatever you believed in, whatever deity or story or universal being that tied us all together.  All our paths led to this midnight clearing, and I believe they still do. 

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A Christmas Garland

This Judy Garland Christmas Special comes complete with the original commercials, which makes it a quaint slice of Americana. This particular show has been honored and lampooned countless times, including an entire episode of ‘Glee’ during its hey-day. It took me a while to warm to the classic almost-campy proceedings, but the older I get, the more I appreciate the nostalgic cheesiness and warmth, and the Garland star-power. “Liza’s out skating with her beau” indeed!

The multi-level living room set, some sort of mid-century eleganza with a Liberace-lite piano, lends its own coziness and sparkle, like some vintage aluminum Christmas tree. Ms. Garland’s fur-lined holiday gown is a thing of exquisite beauty as well. There are too many moments of kitsch and cuteness to recount – but watch for the Santa line-dancers, Liza and Tracy’s ‘Steam Heat’, and one crazy egg nog lift across the expanse of the set. 

All that’s missing is the fondue. 

Enjoy this show now, or save it for tonight when you’re looking to snuggle in for a long winter’s nap. 

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A Return to Wonder & Reverence

 â€œâ€¦Do you remember two kinds of Christmases? There is one kind in a house where there is little and a present represents not only love but sacrifice. The one single package is opened with a kind of slow wonder, almost reverence. Once I gave my youngest boy, who loves all living things, a dwarf, peach-faced parrot for Christmas. He removed the paper and then retreated a little shyly and looked at the little bird for a long time. And finally he said in a whisper, “Now who would have ever thought that I would have a peach-faced parrot?” 

Then there is the other kind of Christmas with presents piled high, the gifts of guilty parents as bribes because they have nothing else to give. The wrappings are ripped off and the presents thrown down and at the end the child says—”Is that all?” Well, it seems to me that America now is like that second kind of Christmas. Having too many THINGS they spend their hours and money on the couch searching for a soul. A strange species we are…” â€”A letter to Adalai Stevenson from John Steinbeck 

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Green Breathing Room

Two days before Christmas usually gets me to feeling slightly claustrophobic and cramped – rushed and flushed and mushed – and so I offer this light and airy post to inject some space and expanse into the relatively-unbooked season. There’s no reason to feel it that much this year, without gatherings and social obligations, so maybe this is just residual echoes of memories where such stress would typically reside. I’m grateful for its absence, as well as for the realization that every year can be this easy should we so deem it. Very few social obligations are legitimate obligations – no such obligation actually exists. There are preferences or choices or suggestions. We don’t have to do any of it. And I wish I’d realized that sooner. 

For now, and for this little Wednesday morning post, I give you this prickly bit of greenery from a recent trip to Faddegon’s Nursery, where I shall find such verdant peace in the ensuing winter months. Take a moment and take a few deep breaths. Remember the reason for the season. Find the space in the midst of all the holiday mayhem.

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Flashin’ Red Passion

Andy said he heard the cardinals yesterday as he cleared some ice from our front step. There must be a pair that has made a home in the row of Steeplechase thuja that lines the street. I’ve seen a smaller female fluttering about the side yard, in the bushes near the garage where the lilac blooms in late spring. That space is covered with a couple feet of snow, but the lilacs have risen above it, as has the climbing hydrangea, whose papery, unfurling bark is now a focal point of architectural grace and prettiness. 

In this wondrous way, winter reminds of summer – the contrast so vital and vibrant, not unlike the way these faux cardinals show off the chartreuse glory of the lemon cypress shrub in which they so whimsically nestle. Welcome, winter. Let’s be friends this season – we need that more than ever. 

“The reason birds can fly and we can’t is simply because they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings.” ― J.M. Barrie

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Winter Solstice Wishes

“Snow was falling,
so much like stars
filling the dark trees
that one could easily imagine
its reason for being was nothing more
than prettiness.”
– Mary Oliver

We make our winter wishes today, writing them out for the season of slumber then burning and releasing them into the universe in the hope of manifestation. This year, perhaps more than any other, they are fraught with serious concerns, weightier issues than the frivolous world to which I hope we one day return. This winter solstice rings in mightily, and I’m hoping we get to add some merry to it before the calendar year is up and a new one – so richly and deservedly welcomed – begins.

For most of my life, I have dreaded and despised the winter. It’s still my least favorite season by far, but I’ve learned to lean into its enchantment and wonder – the way it holds snowy counsel and cozy wisdom if you only know how to listen. It will not shout or demand notice like spring and summer can do. It will not jolt you into awareness like the crisp crack of fall. Winter merely whispers, even in its harshest snowstorms and most biting winds, taking advantage of its darkness and tricking you with its whiteness.

True, it has its icy maelstroms, and come January there’s always a couple days of a tumultuous thaw that messes with the emotions as much as it heaves any open earth beneath it. For the most part, however, winter is for silent slumber, a time when the gardens and the land recline in repose, waiting and resting for it all to begin again in the spring. By rights, we should all be slowing down and honoring the stillness.

“That’s what Hanukkah is about: trying to survive the darkness on the far-fetched hope there’s still some life and light left in the universe. It’s more than just a religious story. The days have been growing shorter, imperceptibly but inescapably darker…. Heading into the night of the winter solstice, every spiritual tradition has some kind of festival of light. We’re all just whistling in the dark, hoping against hope that someone up there will see these little Hanukkah candles and get the hint.” ~ Lawrence Kushner

Candles and light, wood and glass, ice and snow – this is what we shall have, and this is what shall be beautiful. Paring down the peripheral clutter and removing the extraneous debris from our home and our lives is the goal for the season. Before then, however, the happy muss and fuss of Christmas and New Year’s Eve – and I have some sparkle and super-extra excess in store for those nights. 

In between, there will be contemplation and mindfulness.  

“Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.” ~ Edith Sitwell

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A Very Festive Recap

Maybe it was the realization that this year’s Holiday Stroll didn’t have to be canceled after all.

Maybe it was the snowstorm that left us cozy and holed up at home all day. 

Maybe it was the lack of social anxiety and stress that go with countless crowded gatherings. 

Whatever the case, I felt the full warmth of the holiday season this week, and it was the first time I’ve felt that in a while. Let’s take our traditional Monday look back at a week that had its share of festivities in this strange year. 

We begin with a Tuesday morning

Restoring holiday luster.

Remembering that cocky college confidence.

Some messages merit repeating

A holiday memory as sung by Bette Midler

Holiday champagne sparkle.

Once in a while you can go back in time and fix things in a most surprising manner

… which leads us to the most happy and unexpected turn of events, with the official Holiday Stroll 2020.

Hunks of the Day included Gunnar Deatherage, Peter Porte, and Hig Roberts.

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The Holiday Stroll 2020: Back On After All

The devastation of missing pretty much all the social event traditions of 2020 was hitting me a little harder than usual when I wrote this somewhat-bitter post about canceling this year’s Holiday Stroll. Kira and I hadn’t missed one since we started strolling back around 2011. While I’ve done my best to make the most of 2020 as a year for resetting and clearing the entire deck of social activities, this one left me sadder than others. Maybe it was because I was hell-bent on making it happen in the face of all odds (going so far as to entertain a possible day trip on which I’d meet Kira on her lunch break and do a quick walk up Charles Street in half an hour then drive home). Maybe it was because I wanted to hold onto the one thing that might make us feel normal again. Maybe I just desperately missed a friend I haven’t seen since last winter. Instead, all I could do was recap our almost-decade-long archives of holiday strolls… or was it?

When seeking out a photo of me and Kira from last year’s stroll, I ended up back in the already-dusty vaults of folders that held pictures from early 2020, in the relative innocence of January and February, when most of us (with the notable exception of the fucking President) had no idea of what was about to happen to the world. As I opened up a few photos from a mid-January Boston weekend with Kira, I stumbled upon a group that I had never posted, from a snowy walk in the Public Garden ~ the original site of our very first Holiday Stroll. Suddenly I realized we had indeed done a Holiday Stroll in 2020 ~ it just came strikingly and unknowingly early.

And so, on this morning in December, when we might have been waking in Boston to the last day of our typical stroll, I’m assembling a virtual post to mark the crazy kind of time-warping enchantment required to move months in a year that has already stolen too much from us. I will go back in time, resurrecting a beautiful snowy weekend and transforming it into our annual Holiday Stroll through photographs and words, the way art can reform and reshape the world, conjuring what could have and maybe should have been, crafting a life that exists in the wondrously messy muck between a wish and a dream.

On our very first stroll, circa 2011, it was snowing as we headed out on that Saturday morning. Just a light snowfall ~ nothing like the foot-high blanket that transformed the entire park for these photos. On that first excursion, the snow was a welcome hint of the holidays. 

Quite frankly, we had no idea what we were doing. I mean to say that we had no idea that it was the start of a tradition that would mark our holiday seasons from that point forward. Upon seeing the snow, and just being stupid and silly, I remarked that this would be our ‘Holiday Stroll’ as we descended the steps of our building. As amused and dismissive as ever, Kira just went with it, and by the time we made our way to the edge of the Boston Public Garden, a new tradition had been born. 

On that fateful morning, the snow fell slowly and lightly. There wasn’t a single gust of wind, and while cold, the beauty of the scene gave everything a slightly cozy feel to it. We huddled together as we walked through the Public Garden. I’d just purchased a hat on the way – one that went over my ears and fastened around my chin, so I was actually quite toasty. Kira was on the hunt for some new gloves or mittens, so we hastened our pace beneath the barren willows. 

We made our way out of the Garden and onto Charles Street. I knew of a Tibetan store there that would have some heavy and warm gloves and hats and scarves, and Charles Street was a quaint walk, especially during the holiday season. There, Kira found a pair of gray patterned gloves, knit in a heavy wool, and she sighed in grateful relief for the added warmth. We were back on the street doing a bit of window shopping, and that was pretty much the event of our first Holiday Stroll. 

We didn’t know then that our little walk would lead to so many future strolls, or that they would become such planned and plotted extravaganzas. Looking back in subsequent years I would find myself simultaneously trying to recapture the simplicity of that first walk, while making each and every ensuing year that much better. A crazy losing battle of my mind, but that’s what holiday madness is all about. 

One doesn’t realize an ‘annual’ tradition on the first or second try, though, so the next year when I suggested another ‘Holiday Stroll’ we still weren’t quite sure it would be a thing, but we did it, adding a few more stops, incorporating some dining and drinks along the way, and making it quite a merry and festive affair. That solidified the event, carving it into our friendship history. 

By the third year, I’d developed an itinerary, right down to the minute, and expanded our stroll from Saturday to Sunday. There was too much fun to be had in limiting it to a single day or walk. As with many best-laid plans, that first itinerary blew up in my face. The weather was foul – an infuriating mix of rain and wind that rendered umbrellas trifling things – and the stores nearest the condo that I had planned on hitting first, at precisely 9:15 AM after a ten-minute breakfast stop at Cafe Madeleine, didn’t open until 11. Approximately 75% of the rest of that ridiculously-detailed itinerary went by the wayside, a valuable lesson I needed to learn the hard way. 

It was also becoming clear to both Kira and myself that these strolls weren’t about the actual walk, or the shopping, or the dinner reservations we sometimes had to hurry to meet. It was about the in-between moments, the lulls that revealed a true friendship, when you could sit with someone in silence and have it mean more than any fancy, gussied-up dinner appointment. 

At the end of each of our Holiday Stroll weekends, it wasn’t the actual walk I remembered, it was a little jewel of a moment with Kira…

…the brief pause in the lobby of the Lenox Hotel, where we sat by the fire and the Christmas tee, setting our bags down and letting our feet rest…

… the endless parade of dim sum in the heart of Chinatown, where we stopped on a whim of sustenance…

… the sweet potato pause in the middle of ‘The Man Who Came to Dinner’, wherein we would stop the movie and move our cozy party to the kitchen where we’d share a ‘Hot Sweet’ from the oven…

… the fragrant whiff of pine and fir as we passed an unexpected pop-up Christmas tree stand in the South End…

… the little Christmas markets that would suddenly appear as if by magic along our route…

… the ice skaters drifting by on the Frog Pond that made Kira insist on a questionable improvised ‘skate’ on the pond in the Public Garden…

… the Christmas trees suspended upside down from the vaunted heights of the Liberty Hotel, and the glass of holiday merriment in my hand as I waited for Kira to finish her work day next door…

… the bowl of steaming pho in a now-defunct restaurant along the endless stretch of Massachusetts Avenue in Cambridge between Porter and Harvard Squares…

… the cups of hot chocolate we ordered as we ducked into a shop along Charles Street and the cold of the darkening evening crept into our bodies…

… those are the little things I remember when I think of our Holiday Strolls. Nothing extravagant or fancy, nothing exceptional or ground-breaking – just the simple camaraderie and companionship of a good friend in this precious pocket of the holiday season. We tucked into our time together as one would a favorite blanket on a blustery winter’s night. 

And that is what I almost mourned this year, before remembering the stroll we took in January of 2020, when a Holiday Stroll would have been the furthest thing from our mind having just completed one. But it made for a tradition-saving episode that we can use as our Holiday Stroll 2020. Backwards, as so much of this year has been, and fitting all the more because of it. 

In a way, this works out rather nicely. For the majority of our strolls, with the quaint and notable exception of our first, snow doesn’t usually play a big part in our holiday excursions. This year, we unknowingly made our trek through the snowy Boston Public Garden, site of so many happy times over the years, and kept our tradition intact, even if we didn’t realize it then. 

Because we were strolling unawares, we also managed to recapture the simplicity and essence of that very first winter walk, when it was just two friends making their way through a snowy day. 

The morning came with its own magic and enchantment too, like this Japanese lantern, something we don’t usually notice in the spring and summer, when blooms and buds draw focus to showier scenes. On that morning we paused and looked at each of its forest reliefs. 

Without the hustle and bustle of the typical holiday time-frame, the Garden was largely uncrowded. The sun crept quietly into the day, joining us with its brilliance. 

As cold as it was, the beauty of the day worked to warm us.

More than that, the companionship of a good friend worked its warming spell as well. 

Unwittingly, we concluded our Holiday Stroll 2020 – about eleven months earlier than we usually do – and so I close this post with the hope that next year may return us to our typical trajectory in what will be our tenth anniversary of strolling together. Here’s to that future – and here’s to that January day of the past that enabled us to have this virtual stroll in a year when almost everything was lost. 

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A Hellaciously Special Holiday Surprise

In this wretched year of our Lord 2020, we thought we had to cancel the Holiday Stroll, as evidenced by this perhaps-premature post. But as with all things that have been afflicted with the nonsense of 2020, not all is as it initially seemed. To that end, I have a very special surprise post scheduled for tomorrow, when this site presents a holiday revelation that even gave me a jolt when I realized what had already happened. I don’t get many moments of astonishment these days, and this was a very welcome one. 

Come back here tomorrow… oh the places we’ll go!

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Champagne Sparkle

Let us set the holiday scene.

It’s a house that sparkles, somewhere along a historical cobblestone street, maybe in Troy or downtown Albany, the kind of house that has existed for centuries, which has seen more Christmas Eves and New Year’s Days than any of us ever would. Candelight flickers, while company laughs, ebbs and flows, pushes and parts, and more sparkle is held in a crystal glass of champagne, capturing and shattering shards of light as deadly as a necklace of nightshade.

Back then the problems were champagne of sort and level. That didn’t make them feel less valid, or hurt with diminished flair. If anything their pain felt more pointed, more acute, because it was the first brush with any hint of hurt. The single salty tear stings more than the entire ocean.

Youth and beauty and ignorant confidence glint off every surface. The loud laughter, the tailored suits, the plate rimmed in gold and balanced precariously in my hand; they leave me entranced and insecure. And so I hold my head higher, make my laughs louder, suck my stomach in just a little more and examine the effect as I pass a mirror. More sparkle, more champagne, more holiday twinkle…

On some of these nights I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection ~ not plainly in a mirror like that, only in some curved piece of silver, some Christmas ornament, some darkened window ~ and I see what the others might see: the visage of someone who might have it all together, who might be the envy of everyone at the ball. It is only, and always, a passing fancy.

YOU BOOKED THE NIGHT TRAIN FOR A REASON
SO YOU COULD SIT THERE IN THIS HURT
BUSTLING CROWDS OR SILENT SLEEPERS
YOU’RE NOT SURE WHICH IS WORSE

This song is calling to me from a place I forgot existed. It’s a place of chilling beauty, of exile and solitude ~ the kind of solitude that is with you no matter how many people are around you, no matter how many want to hold your hand. I never let many do so, not even Andy at times. Maybe it was cruel of me. Maybe it was survival. Maybe I understood that Andy wasn’t a hand-holder either. It was very much all I knew how to do. It was the extent of how much I could allow myself to care, how much I was willing to risk. You don’t survive hurt without learning a little bit of how to prevent it. And even then, when you know it’s not fair, an instinct like a life-preserver floats stubbornly above the water, refusing to let you take that risk, refusing to let you drown again.

Champagne problems. Such a luxury to have such concerns form the heart of your difficulties. I see that now. I wonder at the way perspective changes over the years, at the way the world wears you down and opens you up. It throws worse and worse at you until you reach a point where wisdom reveals your own evolution.

BECAUSE I DROPPED YOUR HAND WHILE DANCING
LEFT YOU OUT THERE STANDING
CRESTFALLEN ON THE LANDING
CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS
YOUR MOM’S RING IN YOUR POCKET
MY PICTURE IN YOUR WALLET
YOUR HEART WAS GLASS, I DROPPED IT
CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS

This song is not about something I specifically relate to, and there’s a certain release and relief from that. Songs can be read on all sorts of levels, and the best ones mean so many things to so many different people that a single reading is no more valuable than any other. The egalitarian and universal power of good music is ever a wonder ~ the sounds of angels, the whispers of sages.

YOU TOLD YOUR FAMILY FOR A REASON
YOU COULDN’T KEEP IT IN
YOUR SISTER SPLASHED OUT ON THE BOTTLE
NOW NO ONE’S CELEBRATING

Categorizing something or someone as having “champagne problems” – not unlike the “first world problems” phrase – is both derisive and dismissive, designed to be an attack and an eradication. It fails at both tonight, the blows glancing off my velvet shoulders, the reach sadly short, and ever unassailing. Perhaps their agitation and annoyance is pure envy, a somewhat sad jealousy that their problems weren’t quite as silly and trivial. They wanted to provoke and anger and all I gave them was pity. The deadly blow is mine. It lands stealthily. It lands quietly. They won’t feel it, if they ever feel it, until much later. And then they will hate me like so many others. But when we meet again, at the next night of sparkle, they will smile and make motions to hug me.

DOM PERIGNON, YOU BROUGHT IT
NO CROWD OF FRIENDS APPLAUDED
YOUR HOMETOWN SKEPTICS CALLED IT
CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS
YOU HAD A SPEECH, YOU’RE SPEECHLESS
LOVE SLIPPED BEYOND YOUR REACHES
AND I COULDN’T GIVE A REASON
CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS

Champagne problems. The luxury of rejecting a proposal. The luxury of saying no. The luxury of being asked. The luxury of poetic pining…

“Once, when I was young and true.
Someone left me sad –
Broke my brittle heart in two;
And that is very bad.

Love is for unlucky folk,
Love is but a curse.
Once there was a heart I broke;
And that, I think, is worse.” – Dorothy Parker

The luxury of such bullshit.

Do we muster pity for the one who knew enough to end it, the one who was strong enough to let it go before it went to hell? I’ve not often been in that position. Too weak to do so in the past, I could never honor that before now. Wisdom comes later than needed in so many circumstances.

I once knew a woman who broke off an engagement, quite close to the original wedding date, because she had fallen in love with another guy. She had never done anything in her life quite that drastic or dramatic. In fact, she had always been one of our more sensible and pragmatic friends. Scientific to a fault, organized and methodical and regimented in almost every aspect of her life – except, in the end, when it came to her heart. We thought she had lost her mind when she did it. What the hell did we know? Twenty years and several kids later she’s still with the guy she knew was the right one. I wonder about her first fiance, sometimes. 

YOUR MIDAS TOUCH ON THE CHEVY DOOR
NOVEMBER FLUSH AND YOUR FLANNEL CURE
‘HIS DORM WAS ONCE A MADHOUSE’
I MADE A JOKE ‘WELL, IT’S MADE FOR ME’ HOW
EVERGREEN, OUR GROUP OF FRIENDS
DON’T THINK WE’LL SAY THAT WORD AGAIN
AND SOON THEY’LL HAVE THE NERVE TO DECK THE HALLS
THAT WE ONCE WALKED THROUGH

Most of us aren’t intentionally bad people ~ we do things as best as we can when life trips us up, when emotions drive us into dangerous territory. Love can be a fickle and capricious thing. I stopped trying to trap it or figure it out years ago. My friends and I are a little older now. We deal with things a little differently than we did in our 20’s, but love knows no age, it knows no reason.

ONE FOR THE MONEY, TWO FOR THE SHOW
I NEVER WAS READY, SO I WATCH YOU GO
SOMETIMES YOU JUST DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER
TILL SOMEONE’S ON THEIR KNEES AND ASKS YOU
‘SHE WOULD’VE MADE SUCH A LOVELY BRIDE
WHAT A SHAME SHE’S STUCK IN HER HEAD’ THEY SAID
BUT YOU’LL FIND THE REAL THING INSTEAD
SHE’LL PATCH UP YOUR TAPESTRY THAT I SHRED

And yet some champagne problems are sometimes much deeper than they seem. Darker and more serious, they hint of flaws that run deep, chasms that go black before you’ve even approached bottom. A fear that paralyzes, that prevents the heart from making a move. Is it better to be safe? Is there safety in refusing? Or is it safer to follow your heart and not wonder about it years later? I occasionally think about my friend who broke off her first engagement. She seems happy, surrounded by a family, sure and safe and content~ what more could anyone want?  She followed her heart and it led her to happiness. Maybe that’s the surest way to make your journey through life. I don’t know what became of her first fiance, which path he took, where he went, what he’s doing now. Surely there is something sweeter in store for the ones we leave behind.

There are at least two parts to a broken heart. And a thousand sides and stories.

AND HOLD YOUR HAND WHILE DANCING
NEVER LEAVE YOU STANDING
CRESTFALLEN ON THE LANDING
WITH CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS
YOUR MOM’S RING IN YOUR POCKET
HER PICTURE IN YOUR WALLET
AND YOU WON’T REMEMBER ALL MY
CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS

Holiday lights sparkle in different aspects now. Fuzzier in some ways, brighter in others, and this year there are no parties to distract or pull focus from the way the mind wants to wander. It’s easier to live through the pain of other people, the stories of other lives, the mistakes that aren’t our own. We want to flirt with champagne problems to avoid the real ones from which we cannot escape.

Maybe that’s why I love this song. It tells a story that’s not mine. It tells a story of champagne problems that could be real or imagined, silly or serious, frivolous or ferocious – however one wants to read them. In a way, it’s a form of reverse mindfulness – occupying the head and pushing one’s own concerns out of the space. A neat twist on meditation without the deep breathing and lotus-folded legs. 

The sadness of someone else’s pain playing its story out on the piano…

YOU WON’T REMEMBER ALL MY
CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS
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A Holiday Memory From A Distance

The Holiday Homeroom Door Decorating contest had been announced first thing that morning, and in my sophomore grade year of high school that was the sort of shit with which I wanted less to do than joining the boys basketball team. I sat back and watched kids who cared more battle out what out theme would be, and who would do what as far as the artistic execution of it went. I probably proposed spraying glue on the thing and blowing a bunch of glitter at it with a hair dryer. Whatever my easy-squeezy proposal might have been, it was overridden by a worthier cause and theme: Santa in Saudi. At that moment in history – December of the year 1990 – we had sent troops into Saudi Arabia, and all our thoughts were there.

FROM A DISTANCE
THE WORLD LOOKS BLUE AND GREEN
AND THE SNOW-CAPPED MOUNTAINS WHITE
FROM A DISTANCE
THE OCEAN MEETS THE STREAM
AND THE EAGLE TAKES TO FLIGHT
FROM A DISTANCE
THERE IS HARMONY
AND IT ECHOES THROUGH THE LAND
AND IT’S THE VOICE OF HOPE
AND IT’S THE VOICE OF PEACE
IT’S THE VOICE OF EVERY MAN

This was in the days when five casualties were five too many, and any death seemed unfathomable to those of us who only knew of a world where a Cold War left us worried but no one died over it. (A far cry from today, when 300,000 American deaths go numbly in one ear and out the other. Also a distant ways from the 3,000 Americans we lost on 9/11.) As high school students, what else could we do? What could anyone expect us to do? Certainly not understand the gravity of it, and so we did the best we knew. We (and by we, I mean people more artistically-talented and capable than me) set about to crafting a life-size Santa figure in desert camouflage and sunglasses (I think I was wisely made responsible only for one his boots). Titled ‘Santa In Saudi’ it also included a banner saying ‘Let’s Keep It A Silent Night’.

When I think back to Mr. Winning’s 10thgrade math class – the homeroom in which we assembled this troop-homage – my heart grows a little tender for our attempt at making a message for the holiday season, and for my classmates who so earnestly and fervently went about making it come to life. I also recall this song made popular by Bette Midler in that unsettling Season of Saudi, when we worried about our troops in the embracing way this country has historically cared for its own. I didn’t know there was a Christmas version of it recorded years later. Back then, it all came together – Christmas, a distant war, and the way almost every tenth-grader wanted to feel less alone. This song choked me up then, when I sat and listened to it behind a closed door, when the snow fell outside and we wondered if it was anything like the swirling heat and sand of Saudi Arabia.

FROM A DISTANCE
THE WORLD SINGS ‘SILENT NIGHT’
LIKE A SOFT EMBRACING PSALM
FROM A DISTANCE (FROM A DISTANCE)
THE WORDS SOUND SWEET AND CLEAR
AND ALL IS BRIGHT AND CALM
FROM A DISTANCE
WE ARE INSTRUMENTS
MARCHING IN A COMMON BAND
PLAYING SONGS OF HOPE
PLAYING SONGS OF PEACE
THEY’RE THE SONGS OF EVERY MAN

At home, in the cover of night and snow, I found a roll of yellow ribbon and tied it around the maple trees in front of our house, telling no one. They appeared, I hoped, like some Christmas miracle, a small sign of support for a fight over which none of us had any control. It was the least – and the most – that I could do back then. 

FROM A DISTANCE
YOU, YOU LOOK LIKE MY FRIEND
EVEN THOUGH WE ARE AT WAR
FROM A DISTANCE
I JUST I CANNOT COMPREHEND
WHAT ALL THIS FIGHTING’S FOR
FROM A DISTANCE
THERE IS HARMONY
DO YOU HEAR IT ECHO THROUGH THE LAND
IT’S THE SONG OF JOY
IT’S THE SONG OF PEACE
IT’S THE HEART OF EVERY MAN
IN THE SEASON OF
UNIVERSAL LOVE

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Because It’s Still Unclear

Sometimes FaceBook can be good for finding more succinct ways of explaining intricate concepts. I appreciated the provocative impact of thought that this one instigated in my own beliefs:

400 years ago white men enslaved black people. And sold them. And treated them as less than human. For 250 years. While white men created the country’s laws and its systems of government. While 10, 15 generations of white families got to grow and flourish and make choices that could make their lives better.

And then 150 years ago white men “freed” black people from slavery. But then angry white men created laws that made it impossible for them to vote. Or to own land. Or to have the same rights as white people. And even erected monuments glorifying people who actively had fought to keep them enslaved. All while another 5, 10 generations of white families got to grow and accumulate wealth and gain land and get an education.

And then 60 years ago white people made it “legal” for black people to vote, and to be “free” from discrimination. But angry white people still fought to keep schools segregated. And closed off neighborhoods to white people only. And made it harder for black people to get bank loans, or get quality education or health care, or to (gasp) marry a white person. All while another 2-3 generations of white families got to grow and pass their wealth down to their children and their children’s children.

And then we entered an age where we had the technology to make PUBLIC the things that were already happening in private– the beatings, the stop and frisk laws, the unequal distribution of justice, the police brutality (in the south, police began as slave patrols designed to catch runaway slaves). And only now, after 400+ years and 20+ generations of a white head start, are we STARTING to truly have a dialogue about what it means to be black.

White privilege doesn’t mean you haven’t suffered or fought or worked hard. It doesn’t mean white people are responsible for the sins of our ancestors. It doesn’t mean you can’t be proud of who you are.

It DOES mean that we need to acknowledge that the system our ancestors created is built FOR white people.

It DOES mean that Black people are at a disadvantage because of the color of their skin, and

It DOES mean that we owe it to our neighbors– of all colors– to acknowledge that and work to make our world more equitable.

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Cocky College Confidence

Coming home for the holidays during my college years was always a histrionic treat. There wasn’t an outfit that was crazy enough or a hat too outlandish. Back then, I took my cues from Madonna, walking into every room with a sense of star-power culled from the simple divine belief in myself. Whether faked or almost-realized, it was an attitude that could be seen as aloof or arrogant, as much as genuinely confident and powerful. Some would have said intimidating. Some still say intimidating.

Part of me expected all eyes to be on my every move. Whether it was walking into a crowded church on Christmas Eve or picking up some last minute groceries at the market, I demanded the notice of all, either by peculiar outfits or precisely-calibrated attitude. And with all honest reverence to the past, it was a gambit that largely succeeded. There is something very powerful and true to the adage ‘fake it ’til you make it‘ – there is something very real about manifesting the life you want to lead. It comes with a price, but it’s possible.

I was one of many typical college kids who returned to their small home-town feeling just slightly better than everyone else, confidently realizing that I had outgrown my humble beginnings, that the attitudes and narrow-minded views of so many around me were backward and behind and unworthy of the slightest nod. It wasn’t entirely false, and it wasn’t entirely fair. My arrogance was armor, and my aloofness saved me from things I didn’t even realize until I took it all off and saw the scratches, until I heard about various character-assassination attempts. Rather than retreat, I armed myself with Oscar Wilde quotes ~ “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about” ~ adding to my arsenal with haughtier behavior, honed by the musical inspiration of Madonna, cut sharp by the biting tongue of Bette Davis, and polished by the societal propriety found in the writings of Edith Wharton.

Oddly or luckily enough, my Icarus-like wings survived my sun-circling and selfish years ~ my reckoning would not come until much, much later (and much more recently), not that I didn’t consider certain set-backs and failures devastating defeats. But looking back, all that mattered then was the show, and the show was the exuberance of college-age youth, tackling Comparative Literature with the same gusto as gay equality, dazzling with philosophical theories as much as a gold lame shirt.

These days I carry a sense of genuine confidence that comes from a relatively-lately-learned humility, the ability to admit I will never be perfect, the ability to embrace such imperfections, the knowledge that I will never be completely right, and more importantly the knowledge that being right doesn’t always translate to being good.

I look back on the silliness I manifested when I came home form college, all bright-eyed and falsely-confident, and I nod with a slight smile. It was the best I could do. A lot has changed since then, but I still love a good hat, especially with a bird on it.

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Restoring Holiday Luster

It dawned on me somewhere between FaceBook memories recalling holiday parties of the past and an afternoon meditation in which I lowered myself into the lotus position and noticed the layer of dust on the hardwood floor behind me: we hadn’t had a party in a year and a half, and as such I had not dusted or cleaned some parts of our home in all that time. The dusty matte finish of what had once shone glossy and glistening in the light of day, or the lamp rays of evening, had lent a dullness to the whole house. 

It had happened so gradually, and our lives had carried on without any entertaining, that we hadn’t thought to stay on top of things like dusting or mopping. On this day I looked around and saw the dirt and grime of time. Starting with the highest shelving units, then dusting as I went down each step of the Korean tansu, I cleaned up all the months of dust in the living room and the family room and the bedroom. The elongated arm of a Swiffer grabbed cobwebs in corners, along curtain rods, surrounding light fixtures, pulling them down and removing those filaments that drew the peripheral gaze, even when you weren’t quite sure what you were seeing. It was the removal of distraction – the clearing of haze.

On the hardwood floors I used the special cleaning concoction I’d formulated from years of scrubbing the Boston hardwoods after parties – a few splashes of Pine Sol, a few spritzes of Pledge or Endust, and a couple cups of warm water. (It’s just so much nicer when the water is warm.) On hands and knees, I wiped up the layers of dust and dirt that had been accumulating all these months. Instantly, the rooms lightened, the way a street does when the film crew wets it down before filming. 

We don’t realize the power of reflection.

It was a simple act of cleaning, forgotten in our isolated way of life, and immediately it lifted my spirits. Typical for a Virgo who enjoys a clean slate. It also restored a bit of luster to the holiday season, when the sparkle has been slightly lacking of late. In the bathroom, I put together a little bouquet and lit a new candle. 

Let there be holiday light. 

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Tuesday Morning, Mundane and Unmoving

It’s been a sunnier holiday season than some years, but there have been overcast moments and gray days as well. Those gray days have formed their own little comfort zone. There is beauty in the cloudy and the overcast. It takes a little pulling back, a slowing down, to notice such subtle prettiness. It’s different in the summer, usually, when the world is more boldly colorful, when there is a saturation of life and vibrancy in everything, even the overcast mornings. 

Then I remember the ghost that was this past summer

Maybe such generalizations are moot. My need to organize and name and decipher meaning in every moment trips me up more often than not, especially in this year of insanity. The lessons learned in that were and are immensely difficult. Worthwhile as well, like so many challenges. On Tuesday mornings, they can feel especially tough. 

So I pause, doing my best to embrace the gray areas, to be ok with the unresolved and iffy, to remember that nothing in our messy world is perfect. Within that pause is grace. And grace is beauty. 

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