Yearly Archives:

2015

Chopped

Scene: Price Chopper Store #188 – Shaker Road – Loudonville

It was 8 AM and I was in a rush to get to work. In my hand was a bouquet of flowers that I figured wouldn’t take more than two minutes to select and purchase. I foolishly assumed that the market would have enough registers open to get those of us en route to work in and out within a reasonable time frame. Of course, as I eyed the registers, there were only two open, and no one was even at the express lane. Five or six workers scuttled about the customer service space near the registers, so I caught the eye of the oldest woman there and asked if the express line was open (since it was, after all, lit). She said no, it wasn’t at that moment. I hurried to the only other open register, where a woman stood waiting for a manager to stop by.

She was wrangling with coupons. Lots of coupons. One of which was ringing up incorrectly and not giving “triple points” or some other nonsense. The manager haplessly scanned and rescanned and nothing worked. At this point I was just as mad at the miserly coupon lady as I was at the incompetent scanners. But, remembering my own five year stint of retail, I took a deep breath and re-ordered priorities. Five minutes later and no resolution in sight, the woman who had initially refused to take me in the open express lane had been forced to open up, but by then there were too many people for me to fight past to get in that line. Finally it was my turn and I was in no mood for small talk.

When the cashier asked me how I was, I replied, “I’m going to be late.”

She sensed my tone but instead of letting it go she decided to challenge me. “Why is that?” she asked.

“Umm, because this transaction took a lot longer than expected,” I replied.

“Well, you’re in a grocery store,” she shot back with just the slightest edge to her voice.

Oh no.

No, no, no.

Your line is, “I’m sorry for the delay.”

Blaming poor, and slow, service on the fact that it’s a grocery store is like blaming a match for being flammable.

I think she caught my look, because before I could say anything else she complimented me on my vest. Twice.

I thanked her and left, but it left me with the same sour taste that Price Chopper has been leaving in my mouth since we moved here.

Andy has been waging a mini-war with this particular Price Chopper store for years, finally starting to call them out on their exorbitant prices and actively comparing (with photos) their items with those of Hannaford. Price Chopper is almost always more expensive. I’ve had my own issues with this location – a leaky roof that was dripping onto their own products got a shrug from a manager on-duty one night I was there, while their Starbucks idiocy ended up with the parent company sending me a bunch of free drink tickets, but I’ve given up fighting back in person. Far better to put it down for posterity here, until someone sees the post and service improves. Thus far, that’s proven a futile effort, but it’s better to get it off my chest that take it out on their staff, no matter how much they claimed to like my vest.

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Number Five Is Alive

Five years ago this world was blessed with the arrival of my niece and nephew. Since that time Emi and Noah have enriched my life in ways too numerous and core-changing to name in this silly birthday post. They make me rethink what’s important, they bring an innocence and a joy to my adult concerns, and they have given my parents purpose and a place to give their love.

I’m just enjoying watching them grow up. It feels like it’s going quicker and quicker, but birthdays are a time for reflection and celebration, and a place to pause for a moment on all that has happened.

Happy Birthday Noah and Emi!!

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A Message to Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor Swift,

All is forgiven. You annoyed and irked me for years on end, but the evolution you went through starting with ‘1989’ and culminating with your performance with Madonna last night just made me a fan. To be fair, it wasn’t just Madonna that did it. I’ve had ‘Blank Space’ on repeat for the past week. But your beautiful strumming of the guitar to Madonna’s ‘Ghosttown’ on the iHeartRadio Awards just cemented the deal. You rock.

Two sexy, stunning women supporting one another, and giving a whole new reading of the song:

“When the world gets cold, I’ll be your cover

Let’s just hold on to each other…”

It doesn’t just have to be romantic love that saves us. In fact, it’s usually not.

“All we’ve got left is love, Might as well start with us

Singing a new song, something to build on…”

And just like that I’m a squealing teenager again, moved to tears by the perfect pop performance, and the layers of history that have led to this moment. Thank you, Ms. Swift, for reminding me of the magic of a song, the magic of music, and the magic of Madonna.

PS ~ Darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

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Austin Armacost in Attitude (& 1 Hot Ass)

While Austin Armacost has never needed all that much nudging when it comes to showing off his ample assets, leave it to Attitude magazine to make it even sexier. Here are a few shots from his latest spread.

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When Love Wins Out: Special Guest Blog

{It takes one to know one, so when Joel ( a self-proclaimed Krafty Bitch) and I began exchanging correspondence, I knew I’d found a kindred wise-ass spirit. Yet it also takes more than wit and ornery brilliance to keep an online friendship alive, and it was Joel’s vulnerable stories and written tales that resonated on a deeper level for me. When I asked him to contribute to the Special Guest Blog feature, I was confident he’d come up with something wonderful, and he most definitely did.}

 

Special Guest Blog by Joel

“Are you serious?”

I turned and looked him. He was completely serious.

I said, “yes” and kissed him.

The man I had waited for, quite literally the man of my dreams, had just proposed. We were engaged.

I continued to drive us up the interstate that night in the rain, trying to process what had just happened. Just an hour beforehand we had been eating pizza at my brother’s house, surrounded by my immediate family. That alone – me bringing a significant other home to meet my family – already had me in a state of grateful disbelief. The fact that they had all loved him, including my dad, was just more sweet icing on the most delicious cake in the history of ever.

We continued to talk for the rest of the four hour drive back to my place, punctuating our conversation with the wow of ‘we’re getting married!’ and trying not to think too much about his departing flight early the next morning. Right now, it was just us, in the moment. I had already learned so much from him. Striving to be more present was one of those lessons.

Still, we couldn’t help but marvel at the events of the past year, let alone the last several months or days.

A year ago on that same day, I had literally stood on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean in tears, wondering if the love I had always wanted would find his way into my life. At the same time, he was making the decision to seek out the love his life. We had been on the journey together the whole time; it just took nine months for us to find each other.

Just nine months. The proposal took place on my 38th birthday, so “just nine months” is a bit of an understatement. This was something part of my psyche thought had passed me by. But my heart never gave up despite the battle scars and wounds it had endured. Even in dark times when I had consciously wanted it to stop believing, to let go of the enduring spark, it didn’t.

Love always wins. It always wins.

Sometimes that victory is a production number of epic, Hollywood proportions. Sometimes it’s so hard to tell that love has won or endured that you don’t realize it until months or years later. And then there are times, like our engagement, when the subtlety of love’s triumph is a comfortable blessing.

It’s not easy to believe that love always wins. It’s even harder to live with that authenticity. It takes practice and energy and fierceness.

Love is not weakness. It is the perfect strength.

Energetically, romantically, physically, and, oddly enough, physiologically, love emanates from our heart – a part of our anatomy and consciousness that sustains us while at the same time leaving itself vulnerable and open to emotional upheaval, loss, and grief. In those moments, those visceral moments when we feel our heart breaking, that’s when it’s most difficult to believe that love always wins. This is particularly true when anger and cynicism become the scar tissue under which the heart continues to heal.

When my mother went into cardiac arrest and her spirit left this side of the universe, I felt my heart rip into destruction. For months and years afterward, the sensation of emptiness in my chest was, at first, disconcerting before becoming my new normal. I stopped feeling warmth there, in my core. I was the last person to believe that love always wins. All the while, my heart was undergoing some strange alchemy I had yet to acknowledge. When loss begat loss, I became numb to the metamorphosis happening.

To transmute something is to change its substance, its form. The shredding of my heart allowed for transmutation to occur, if I was willing. Heart stuff is hard work. It ain’t for sissies. Putting things back together in a new way while allowing yourself to share your vulnerability takes more strength than is traditionally recognized.

In this case, love won in a variety of ways. First, I learned the sacrifice of love through the actions of my mother. By choosing not to disclose her illness until it was too late, I like to think that she was trying to spare us for as long as possible. Knowing the score and how much pain she had to endure for so long, I doubt I’ll ever know a stronger person in this life.

Love won again when I rebuilt my heart and opened it back up for business, knowing how different it was from the garden variety, knowing how sensitive it had become to suffering. For whatever reason, compassion is not attractive or sexy to the mainstream. But I refused to present myself in a fashion only suitable for superficial romance.

Love scored a major victory when I took ownership of my worth. And when I recognized my fiancé for who he was while we were still getting to know each other and before the proposal crossed his lips, love won yet again.

My heart has now expanded beyond what even I could have imagined, often feeling so full it might burst. And it’s warm. My heart is warm for the first time in years.

Maybe this all sounds cliche. To me, it’s just a blessed reality. I have no illusions that this is a fairytale or perfection. Our relationship is grounded in the complexity of reality. And that’s where we both want it. Neither of us was looking for an ideal. We were both looking for authentic compassion and passion.

And in that reality, love wins all over again, every day.

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A Gratuitous Channing Tatum Post

Here are a few old-school Channing Tatum shots from his early days as a male model (and stripper if we are to believe the loosely-autobiographical ‘Magic Mike‘ movie.) Mr. Tatum has surfaced here a number of times (particularly his back end) and as the world gears up to seeing more stripping scenes in ‘Magic Mike XXL’ I offer these photos to whet your appetite.

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Fish on Fridays

Returning to Boston with a dish of fish in tow, I hold onto a lingering bit of residual Catholic guilt and maintain a no-meat-on-Fridays regime during the Lenten season. Half-magic, half-faith, half-idiocy, I was raised in such a fucked-up manner that if eating fish on Fridays is all that remains, I’ll take the quirk and feign healthy living for the judgment of unbelieving heathens. This weekend I’ll be seeing my friend Kira, whom I haven’t hung out with since last year and our Holiday Stroll. (This is one of those mundane, factual posts that is much more exciting to write than I’m guessing it is to read, but since I’m writing it, too bad.)

All of the snow has kept me from the city for longer a stretch than I’ve grown accustomed to – and it’s been sorely missed. I try to return to Boston for a regular dose of civilization, and the past few months have left me bereft of Boston magic. That all changes this weekend, and it will be good to simply walk the snow-ravaged cobblestone with Kira and catch up on all that’s transpired since the calendar year turned over.

I’m also going to prematurely suggest the idea of spring cleaning, just putting it out there into the universe, along with the possibility of some project work too since I’m being all ambitious, but it’s entirely possible, and more than likely, that both will fall by the wayside as I simply ingratiate myself with the city in quiet, non-working fashion. Run on, little/long sentence, run on.

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Jumping Jonquils

The garden party is in the house, and these Narcissus are having a gnarly good time. Bright and cheerful in color and fragrance, they spill their joy from the mouth of a glass vase. Sitting beside me as I write these posts, they spread their petals while peppering the surroundings with the prettiest perfume. As part of his Jardin Noir series of Private Blends, Tom Ford comes close with ‘Jonquille de Nuit’ and its immediate dry-down, but fell short of capturing the lightness of this ethereal, intoxicating scent (instead falling victim to an over-riding jasmine feel.)

A jonquil will never be so easily captured. Theirs is a magic that is ephemeral.

It dissipates with the lightest wind, disappearing with the brush of a passing figure.

Yet for all their delicate and fleeting olfactory tumescence, they must be incredibly hardy and insistent, especially if they are to survive the wilds of the spring season.

These lucky blooms have the luxury and protection of being brought into their glory within the pampered environs of a heated house.

They bring an otherwise-delayed sense of spring indoors, and it’s never been more welcome.

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A Wonderful World

In this Age of the Internet, it’s easy to think that we know everything about everyone, particularly someone who has an immensely popular blog. Kenneth M. Walsh, of Kenneth in the (212) fame, is one of those online-celebrities who in many ways feels like an old friend, at least for those of us who have followed him religiously since he exploded onto the scene. Yet you never really know someone until you read their memoir, and Mr. Walsh offers scintillating tidbits of the humorous and twisting tale that brought him to the enchanting metropolis of New York in last year’s ‘Wasn’t Tomorrow Wonderful?’

Struck-through with world-weary wiseass remarks that only a fellow social anxiety-sufferer could love (“I don’t even like to be touched when I’m having sex”) there is much to laugh about and love in his engaging recounting of nights with one-armed men, terrorized toothbrushes, and an almost-unhinged Thomas Roberts. Yet for every hilarious occurrence (and there are many) there is an equally-poignant and touching moment of melancholy. Such depths give this memoir a gravity that grounds the more outrageous wanderings of the occasionally wayward protagonist.

The most audacious and memorable character in the book is Mr. Walsh’s own mother, the indomitable and unsinkable Molly. She is perhaps the mother of all mothers, pulling no punches and delivering every blow with brilliant comic madness and sometimes unbearable pathos. Walsh digs deep with his family memories, and the years-long dance his Mom somewhat awkwardly performs regarding his sexuality is one to which many of us can relate. We want so badly to be loved, and we will forgive almost-all parental transgressions because we have but one mother.

Most moving is Walsh’s own coming to terms with his coming-of-age, especially the exact moment his childhood innocence departed. Not all of us can pinpoint the exact moment that innocence is shattered, but Walsh has it down to a date and time. It was during the Johnny Carson Show, when that evening’s guest introduced a film clip from a gay love story. The audience’s reaction – jeers and boos and open hostility – was what rang in young Kenneth’s ears, and suddenly the notion of shame was born. It’s something that resonates with most gay boys and girls, and this is the part of the book that struck me most deeply.

“My ability not to be painfully-self-conscious around people ended that night,” he writes. “My self-doubt and increasing sense of worthlessness – the whole nation would turn hostile and boo me if they knew who I really was – became who I was. All a stranger had to say to me was “Hi,” and I’d instantly turn beet red and my heart would start racing out of control.”

When Walsh revisits the clip years later, he is struck both by his somewhat overblown recollection of the audience response, but also by something more: “Despite the fact that it wasn’t “as bad” as I remembered, it still made me sick all over again, thinking about that isolated fourteen-year-old boy watching television that night and getting booed over his shameful secret. If it seems like almost nothing now, that’s just further proof that it’s the little things that can affect people so much, especially children. Things are hardly perfect for gay youths today. Still, I’m glad something this blatant would be unlikely to happen again.”

As in Andy Cohen’s recent diary, New York City comes alive as Kenneth’s ultimate true love and salvation, and their decade-long-and-going-strong relationship evolves from distant admiration to rocky-rodent courtship to torrid yet stalwart sustenance. The final post-Studio-54-party scene is the stuff New York dreams are made of ~ wistful, romantic, and sweeter than expected. It ties up the long and winding way Walsh wound up in the city of his dreams, and leaves things full of promise and further adventure – the way the best books always end.

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Shout-out to HomoRadio

It’s always a joy to visit HomoRadio. I used to go on when I was hosting 1st Friday events at the Romaine Brooks Gallery, so when they asked Andy and I to stop by for a fun segment on marriage, we returned and talked about what brought us together way back when. Currently in their 23rd year of production (they debuted in 1992!) HomoRadio continues to offer compelling dialogue and up-to-date news of local events with an LGBTQ slant.

Dr. Ray, Sean, Ulysses and Dave are engaging personalities who bring listeners together from around the world. Along with news producer Joe Galu, they’ve created a vital and vibrant forum that was once lacking from our local cultural landscape. Doing anything for over two decades is an accomplishment, but to have a gay-themed show in 1992 was a groundbreaking experience. In a world before the internet, most of us had to scramble and search to find others like us. A radio show was a way of reaching people who needed to feel less alone.

In the ensuing decades, our community has made great strides, and HomoRadio has chronicled every step along the way. They’ve become a cornerstone of Albany’s tapestry, growing alongside the Capital Pride Center and consistently joining in the Capital Region’s dialogue on what it means to be gay today.

It’s also just great fun to hear my friends have this party every Sunday – and the best part of being on the radio is that it doesn’t matter what you wear. (As evidenced below in Versace – and backed by Dr. Ray’s car.)

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An Extended Family Dinner

We welcomed snowbirds Elaine and Tony back to the Northeast with a dinner of ham and potatoes au gratin this past weekend. They’d been fortunate (and wise) enough to have spent the winter in Florida, and were none too pleased with the weather that was waiting for them upon their return. Luckily they brought their own sunny countenances, along with a couple of bouquets of flowers to drive off any lingering winter darkness.

My father-in-law and sister-in-law joined in the fun, as did Suzie and her family. Andy made a special strawberry cake upon request from little Momo, who proclaimed it “very good.” All in all, it was a sweet way to spend a Saturday night. If all goes well, the next time we gather together may be for an outside barbecue. (Dare to dream…)

In the meantime, let us have daffodils and disappearing snow.

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The First Recap of Spring

Though it feels far from that glorious season referenced in the title of this post, technically it is spring, and I’m dressing as if to the manner born. That means bright pastels and colorful shoes, snow and ice and dirty streets be damned. The turn of the seasons was marked in tell-tale fashion with this filler post. (Nostalgia played a big part in this week’s posts, and you do have to take my word for it.)

The week began with this glorious Not-Safe-For-FaceBook post, because if there’s one entity that has its finger on the pulse of appropriateness, it’s fucking FaceBook.

Better yet was the exploration of The Art of the Jockstrap and the magnificent craftsmanship at work by The Crochet Empire.

The bulge of a prince was more than fit fodder for Hunk of the Day Richard Madden.

Slices of 80’s nostalgia were in full-effect with this ditty by Roxette and this piano-driven ballad by Richard Marx.

Perfect male model Isa Rahman was all we needed for this Hunk of the Day honor.

This is the only kind of hand-cuff I could handle, and it’s quite beautiful.

Another beautiful male model, Chad Buchanan.

Things got a little deeper with some uncomfortable-because-they’re-true family issues, and a look back at one magical night out.

A pair of European beauties rounded out the superficial delights of the week: Stepan Pereverzev and Olivier Rousteing.

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You Can Dance… For Inspiration

In the midst of a lull…

On the hunt for inspiration…

Amid the chaotic ramblings of a transient heart…

This Sunday morning offers the dawn of a new promise, like every morning does, but the fact that it’s Sunday instills it with more meaning.

Tom Ford can simply open up his closet, slip into a dressing gown like the one seen here, and find all the beauty he needs to keep going. For the rest of us mere mortals, a little more is required. For those days when Mr. Ford is feeling uninspired, he claims to don a tuxedo, deck himself out to the nines, and suddenly everything feels a bit better. I get that. It’s partly why I put such effort into my wardrobe. It’s rarely done to impress others; it’s done to empower me. I need all the help I can get.

In the first few days of spring, before it really feels like spring, there is this limbo of dirty slush and gray skies. Everything feels so bleak. A state of purgatory before it gets really good or really bad. Either way, the heat will soon be on.

In the meantime, my eye is on Boston, where I’ll return for the first time in what feels like forever. No matter the state of snow, I shall be there next weekend, catching up with Kira and the city I so adore. It’s time. Spring weather or winter remains, it’s happening.

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To the Extreme: More Than Words

The chain link fence ran the length of the bridge, preventing anyone with half a heart from climbing over and jumping into the slumbering Mohawk River below. The wind whipped through it in typical unapologetic and unrelenting fashion. We walked single file; there wasn’t really room to do otherwise. As dusk settled over Amsterdam, we made our way across the bridge that linked the southside with downtown.

To the right was the Amsterdam Mall, that low monolith which divided the once-whole downtown into two uneasily disparate sections, and then slowly emptied into hollow cement corridors of faded storefronts. In 1991, there was still a spattering of places that struggled to stay open, but the mall had been a bad idea from the beginning and was limping on its last legs. We eyed it as a teenage destination, and pulled out jackets closer in the night wind.

In my head, the song of the moment was playing on endless repeat, this acoustic ditty by Extreme:

 

Sayin’ I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say it, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
Cause I’d already know

My best friend Ann was walking ahead of me, leading the way as she often did. I followed  a little behind, perpetually in awe of her steely courage, sky-high hair, and uncanny ability to give the world the middle finger with attitude and Guns ‘n’ Roses. I leaned on her in more ways then she knew.

A few other misfits joined our less-than-rowdy crew: Jessica, Autumn, Amy, and John. The latter was the wild card of the bunch – prone to mischief and fits of crazed, maniacal laughter in between moments of melancholy and something much deeper. There were whispers of a troubled family life, but we were all part of such whispers to a certain extent. No one had a perfect familial existence; no one ever will.

We began the slow descent onto the ramp that dropped us in a parking lot littered with the glitter of broken bottles and stray weeds poking through cracks in the pavement. Such a sad set of surroundings, and yet I couldn’t have been happier, Free from my own angry family, on a Friday night with my friends, I felt the first tugs of young adulthood pulling me forward. I also felt the warm heartstrings of friendship emboldening my otherwise insecure countenance. Here was a group of people that accepted me, misguided hair and questionable fashion aside, with all my mood swings and unlovable attributes.

What would you do?
If my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say
If I took those words away
Then you couldn’t
Make things new,
Just by saying, “I love you”
More than words,
More than words…

I carried my camera everywhere in those days, with a six-pack of 35-mm film bulging out of my coat pocket. I was forever waiting for the big capture, the shot that would change our lives, or simply make me laugh on a later, colder day, when I’d be missing my friends and longing for a night like that. I posed for more than a few pictures myself, trying to find someone in that gangly little boy who was all unruly hair and baggy clothes and silly grins. Some days I still find myself looking.

We turned onto the tiny Main Street, burning yellow and supremely surreal beneath the buzzing street lamps. Conover’s, the office store I remembered visiting as a little kid, still had a faded green sign above its fuzzy glass front. A few doors down, a band was setting up. We peeked in the back door and I snapped a quick photo before rushing out from fear of our ridiculously-underage status. We were a good group, staying clear from booze and other teenage explorations. Christ, we were Honors kids more afraid of a B+ than practically anything else.

Still, being out on our own, in a part of town that my parents would surely not approve of me traversing after nightfall, felt like a grand thrill. A little forbidden, a little adventurous, and a whole lot of what I needed. I don’t think I realized then how lonely I was, how much I needed those friends. It would have crushed me, and I was already pretty beaten down at that point.

Now that I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes and just reach out your hands

And touch meHold me closeDon’t ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn’t have to say
That you love me
Cause I’d already know

The night ticked on. I didn’t go out enough to even have a curfew. (See, I really was a good kid.) The minutes flew by and soon it was time to step back onto the bridge. We climbed the stars and rose above the river, the tiny city behind us. Cars whizzed by, engines roaring, light beams blinding us from the other side. I zipped my coat up, the wind whipping even more viciously, colder too. I didn’t mind in the least. My stomach was sore from laughing, the corners of my mouth aching happily from uncontrollable smiles. A joy I could never feel at home – the joy of fitting in, even if it was in a group of outsiders – resonated from within, and it was something I’d hold onto when things got really bad. We’d done nothing but walk around and goof off, and it was better than any fancy night I could have imagined.

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love you…

More than words.

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The Lost Son

“Family is really important to me, but strangely enough family is not necessarily your blood… Sometimes our family lets us down and we end up creating a new family for ourselves. And family is really people that you know you can rely on, people who won’t judge you, people who have your back, people you can trust, people who are loyal.” ~ Madonna

There’s a lot about the Bible that pisses me off. Some of the lessons are noble and true, some of the sentiment is powerful, but much is antiquated and too easily misread. One of the biggest stories that has always bothered me was that of The Prodigal Son. Maybe it just hit too close to home. Maybe I just need to learn forgiveness. Or maybe there is no justice in the world and there never was.

The Parable of the Lost Son

Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ So he got up and went to his father.

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Moral of the story? The son who has fun, fucks up his life, and goes back to beg for more ends up in a better position than the son who behaves and becomes a productive member of society. Granted, there is some higher forgiveness and grace at work (at least I hope), but there is no way that this supersedes the bottom line that if you’re bad, you get the help and the love and the forgiveness and the compassion and the fucking fatted calf.

Way back in high school, when I had already seen the rift between the recognition, help and attention the kids who behaved and did well got as opposed to the ones who messed around, got arrested, and did whatever they wanted to do, I wrote a Letter to the Editor of the local newspaper lamenting the way some of those good kids were treated – or not treated as the case may be. It’s about more than getting attention. Everyone always pulls the attention card and thinks that’s it. Newsflash: some of us don’t need any help getting attention. As far as it being a case of whining and complaining that ‘It’s not fair!’ well, it’s not. And if life is unfair, it’s because certain people make it so, and others let it happen.

There are a few choices. Work your ass off, do what you’re supposed to do, and be a responsible, decent human being. It’s not always fun, but it’s the right thing to do. Or, give in to whatever wish and whim you want, fuck up and have a blast. It’s way more fun, and if someone’s going to be there to take care of you and your kids when you need it, why not live it up? A friend suggested that I find a surrogate mother, have a baby, squander my money on a ridiculously lavish house and cars and motorcycles and become the son in need. My friend’s mother, when confronted with the age-old question of which child she favored the most, used to say, “The one that needs me the most.” There’s something very sweet in that, and something so unjust it makes my heart break.

“Family isn’t blood,” she said bitterly, continuing to back away. “Family is who loves you, who takes care of you.”  ― Bruce Coville

The real lost sons are the ones who take care of themselves, who pay their credit card bills in full every month, who don’t make impetuous selfish decisions, who don’t fuck up their lives, and who don’t expect anything from anyone. We’re not lost because we can’t take care of ourselves, we’re lost because it hurts so much and we never say it.

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