Yearly Archives:

2015

A Perfect Rose, An Imperfect Gardener

Though I pride myself on having a green thumb, I’ve had a number of notable failures in the garden – chief among them my difficulties with roses. Aside from the fool-proof knockout series (a bland thing if ever there was one), I’ve yet to have a successful rose endeavor.

When I was a kid, I begged and pleaded with my parents to order a few roses from Jackson and Perkins. Their catalogs were practically porn for my floral-fixation, and I narrowed it down to a selection of six rose plants, each with a fancy name and pedigree. A few weeks later they arrived in a big box – monstrous things that were alien-like in their bare-rooted form. The planting instructions called for them to be soaked/submerged in water for a few hours prior to planting, so I filled the bathtub with lukewarm water. Ahh yes, the brain of a child. I don’t recall the mess that was made because it was so bad I likely put it from my mind. While they soaked (and left their dirt rings on the tub) I set about preparing six enormous holes in the front and side gardens. Visions of dazzling rose bushes filled my head, with blooms that spilled forth with abundant floriferous vociferousness.

I amended the soil and dug deeply, with ample manure and generous dashes of bone meal. I left a mound at the bottom of each hole, as per the elaborate directions included with them, and somehow hauled the beasts out of the tub and back down to their new homes. Gently, I fanned out the roots over the mounds, then backfilled and firmly secured the plants with crowns at ground level. A small basin designed to catch water surrounded each plant, and I watered them in well. I could almost sense them growing, and I stood there when the last one was in, just waiting for some sign of growth to occur. Again, the mind of a child: ever-hopeful, ever-antsy, ever-anticipating.

Only the two in the sunniest spots did much. In fact, they were the only ones that survived that first year. Fantasies of armloads of rose blooms spilling out of baskets and bouquets were left as just that. The pink and yellow and white varieties I so wanted to see in person didn’t make it. Only those two stalwart red plants survived the winter. They did well enough, and the next year I did manage to coax a few blooming spells from them, but their upkeep and insect control were too taxing to be enjoyed, and their spindly form left much to be desired. I gave up, and roses left my life until I met Andy.

This year he’s trying the variety you see here. Lightly fragrant, and beautifully shaded with an almost lavender blush, it’s a beautiful specimen. I just hope it’s not too fussy.

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A Recap Within a Recap

The labyrinth of previous posts on this blog runs long, wide and deep. Go to town with that metaphor until you’re raw and sore, but it’s the truth. Here’s a look back at two previous Memorial Day posts, which are all recaps given that the holiday is traditionally celebrated on a Monday – our look-back day.

In 2013 a sexy spread of Matthew Camp enticed readers to click away.

Last year, Ben Cohen and David Beckham tag-teamed the post – the former bulging through his briefs, the latter chilling in his sweats.

Stay tuned for this year’s Ogunquit recap, coming up as soon as I rest from this vacation.

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A Memorial Recap

Let the unofficial start of the summer season begin! This is the real ‘most wonderful time of the year’ for me, as it signals the sweetest weather is about to arrive, and the gardens are still relatively fresh and green. It’s a time of promise and hope and all that has yet to come – the time of possibility. Anticipation will always trump execution in my warped mind. That said, a dose of recent nostalgia with this look back at the previous week’s events will make this vacation Monday an easy one.

Kicking up the heat with his cooking acumen, Chef Michael Chernow was named Hunk of the Day earlier in the week.

Yet another record-breaking week for Madonna. Bow down, bow down, bow down.

Meet the newest bulge of Armani underwear: Fabio Mancini.

Get a load of this dick-wad.

Digg this: Hunk of the Day Taye Diggs.

John Irving, Master of Words.

A recommendation from a straight guy: Hunk of the Day Toby Kebbell.

A pink pansy (and I don’t mean me.)

Exposed my naked ass, and I did it with a smile.

Where we were.

Talk about your hot nuts, this is Hunk of the Day Morris Chestnut.

Within the realm of Hunkdom, a look at some of the finest.

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In the Realm of Hunkdom

Given the regularity of posts here, some hunks may have escaped your notice. Others may be worth a second look. Either way, this is a brief encapsulation of several noteworthy gentlemen who have previously graced this site with their shirtless presence, and a few who have given us some naked presents as well.

The feature pic, as should always be the case, is a double shirtless gift of Zac Efron. He indulges most of us by regularly doffing his shirt, and recently gave the illusion of doffing everything else. (Somehow, nude-hued briefs work just as well on him.)

Nick Youngquest is another perennial favorite here, and I’m not sure why he hasn’t achieved such wide-spread acclaim as Ben Cohen or David Beckham. (I may be crossing my balls here, sportswise at least, so perhaps that’s the reason.) At any rate, he’s been here a number of notable times, including this magnificent view of his naked ass, these nude shots of his ass, and this partially-obscured view of his front.

Below are a pair of Hunks relatively new to the site. Charlie King has put his tush on display in his Hunk of the Day feature, and he does it again here, along with Fabio Mancini, who fills out his Armani briefs impeccably.

One of our most-recent Hunks is Morris Chestnut, the smoldering actor whose intense gaze defined the word ‘sultry.’

Finally, we close this Hunk-retrospective out with the ever-classy Benedict Cumberbatch, who made some of us into squealing Cumberbitches.

 

 

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A Lap Dance by Hedda Lettuce

Certain drag queens are institutions. Indelibly intertwined with an image and a name, in person they can feel like some Hollywood superstar come to life. Some are known by a single name – and some by a single verdant color. Hedda Lettuce unfurls her leafy brand of sass this weekend at Maine Street in Ogunquit, and there’s nothing more entertaining than seeing a queen at the top of her game.

She first came to most of our attention with a scene-stealing turn on ‘Sex and the City’ and an epic Madonna-intro at the MTV Music Awards. More exciting to me was the time she once graciously posed for a photo while hawking tickets for her show on a rare sultry day in Provincetown. She was witty and fun and completely professional, and one got the sense that this was serious business for her. Such dedication to a role and a craft was admirable.

All of that was but a flirty prelude for my encounter with the green goddess last night, in which she dedicated a song to me, ‘Fuck Me Baby’ (based on my crossed-arms stance) and topped it off with a dirty grind in the form of a lap-dance. As thrilling as that was, it was the content and seamless flow of the evening that most impressed.

A self-described “old-school” drag queen, her Bette Davis references were caught by some of us, while those who have been woefully untouched by Ms. Davis could appreciate the modern-day no-holds-barred raunchiness of other topical moments. The recent happy events in Ireland made a timely backdrop to a marriage-equality anthem, and though she professed to be in ragged voice due to the allergies of New England, she sounded in fine form. The drag queen who can actually sing seems to be a rare and dying breed, and those who do it are all the more astounding for it.

She pokes fun at herself good-naturedly throughout the evening, claiming she’s made it this far on her cheekbones and lighting alone, but no one who has lasted this long and can still command an entire room for an hour lacks of talent in any way. Finishing with a rousing ‘Jesus Take the Wheel’ she closes out her first night of a triumphant return to Ogunquit in rollicking fashion.

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In the Maine

This marks our 15th year visiting Ogunquit, Maine but I still feel the same excitement and thrill in going as I did on that very first trip. On that memorable weekend, it was late summer and the town was switching into slower fall gear, but it was as enchanting as ever. The next year we switched over to kicking it off in spring for Memorial Day weekend, and then closing it out in fall over Columbus Day weekend. Of course, it is this weekend which is my favorite. For all the loveliness of fall, there will always be something better about spring. The whole of summer lies await ahead of us. There is more magic in anticipation than recollection.

That said, a few looks back never hurt anyone, and there have been many at Maine over the years.

There is a peace and contentment that settles within instants of finding my way back to Ogunquit.

When it rains, there are still enchantments to be found along the wet shore.

There is even some male nudity on display if you know where to look and when.

Even when I’m not there, I keep a little bit of it in me.

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Trickster, My Ass

“We said earlier that the trickster simultaneously represents the animal and the divine in humanity. In societies like those of the Western world in which sexuality is given high priority and organized religion depreciated, entry into no other sphere of activity than sex is so much desired. No other channel for desire offers so many people the gratifying illusion of power. They seem to sense that though its ecstasies sex might let them breach the limits of the body to touch immortality. Power seems even to many of the powerless to be within reach here.

Of course the search for power tends to corrupt no matter where it is found; and for every sexual relationship that empowers its partners, delivering them to ecstasy, there are others dogged by misery. Far from being a romantic, lyric or even comfortable figure, the trickster invariably presents us with an awkward uncomfortable personality as well as a persuasive and amusing prankster and sexual polymorph.” ~ John Izod

“Significantly, he cannot be tied down: he is a shape shifter, appearing at one moment in one form, only to transmute and make his next entrance in quite another. Such versatility matches his function in running counter to the orientation of the individual’s conscious mind.” – John Izod

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A Pansy of Pink

The smiling pucker of a pansy is sometimes enough to lift the darkest day. Even bowed down by a shower of raindrops, their little faces are still there, ready to face the sun when it deigns to show itself again. While I love seeing these beauties in pots and in yards in the early part of the season, I’ve never grown or planted them myself. A few years of Johnny-jump-ups were all I could muster.

That distant cousin of the pansy, with the much-smaller blossoms and tenacious reseeding tendency, makes a charming-enough companion in the garden, would pop up in unexpected and not-always-welcome places. They always kept me on my toes, and I was usually too guilty to pick them up and move them somewhere more appropriate of aesthetically-pleasing, choosing instead to let them fill the edges of borders or poke through a cement crack. Their unpredictability was a lesson in accommodation, and I knew it was a lesson I needed to learn.

Now, I admire the pansies and the Johnny-jump-ups from a distance. Our summers are simply too long and hot for them to last much beyond June or July, and when you need something to see you through August and September, these just don’t cut it. This gardener doesn’t have time for that.

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Master of Words

John Irving is one of my favorite authors. He consistently delivers spellbinding prose, and every novel he crafts manages to conjure the aching resilience and hope of the human spirit with wildly varying settings and characters. The one constant is a gentle examination of the brutalities we inflict on one another, and the notion that no matter how impossible it may seem, we always have the capacity to change, to become someone new, someone better.

While I’ll probably always favor ‘A Prayer for Owen Meany’ over everything else (you never forget your first time), I was also quite enamored of ‘In One Person’. Perhaps upon perusing the following quotes, you may be tempted to give it a try. I’d certainly encourage it.

“You shouldn’t guess about someone’s past; if you don’t see any evidence of it, a person’s past remains unknown to you.” ~ John Irving

“That moment when you are tired of being treated like a child – tired of adolescence, too – that suddenly opening but quickly closing passage, when you irreversibly want to grow up, is a dangerous time. In a future novel (an early one), I would write: “Ambition robs you of your childhood. The moment you want to become an adult – in any way – something in your childhood dies.” ~ John Irving

“You can’t force children to become something they’re not. You can’t simply tell a boy not to play with dolls.” ~ John Irving

“What’s the point of having a love of your life, if he’s not always with you?” ~ John Irving

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Have You Seen This Truck?

If you know the owner of this blue truck, please inform him that he is a total dick-wad/douche-bag. I had just pulled into the Price Chopper parking lot and was about to start walking towards the entrance when this truck recklessly pulled into the first handicapped spot. Aside from the fact that he almost hit me while I was on foot, he also did not have a handicapped tag hanger in his truck, nor any indication of such on the license plate. Instead, he hopped out of the driver’s seat in a pair of ratty flip lops, and jauntily strode into the store.

I almost said something, but he was sporting an almost-mullet, and I’m scared that anyone with a mullet doesn’t have the sense to deal with people in a reasonable manner. Instead, I watched, figuring maybe he was just in a massive hurry and needed to get something quickly. He grabbed a push cart and began his shopping, at which point I let it go.

As I came out after getting my few items, he was apparently still shopping, so the quick pick-up theory was out the window. I took these pics of his offending (and offensive) dilapidated vehicle, when an older woman hobbled out of her car, which did have a handicapped hanger in it. She saw me taking photos and asked if it was because he didn’t have a hanger. I said yes. She clutched the cart to keep herself upright and said she’d vouch for me if I needed her to. I smiled – I wasn’t filing a report or anything, I told her, I was just going to broadcast it to thousands of people. Public shaming usually goes further than a paltry Price Chopper police report.

“Oh, I don’t know how that Twitter and stuff works, but I’ll vouch for you if you need it,” she repeated. I said it wasn’t necessary, and bade her good day. She pushed her cart past the ugly truck and into the store.

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Madonna: The Undisputed Record-Breaker

It went largely unnoticed by people who weren’t Madonna fans, but the lady scored her 45th Dance Club #1 hit with ‘Ghosttown‘ last week. The second single off of her recent ‘Rebel Heart’ album, it’s a nifty record-breaker, one that gives her the most #1 hits on any single chart ever. EVER. Beating everyone.

Elvis Presley.

The Beatles.

Michael Jackson.

Mariah Carey.

You name the artist, and Madonna has them beat.

It’s a record that shouldn’t be diminished, but that seems to be what the world wants to do to Madonna of late, and once again unsuccessfully. It’s happened before, and it will likely happen again. That’s the way things go. She’s probably less bothered by it than me, and that’s testament to what makes her tick. Let them eat cake.

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Pause for This Recap

This lovely month of May continues as the gardens are just beginning to return to form after a winter more brutal than I realized. Thanks to the excessive snow, rabbits were able to reach the stems of shrubs that normally would have gone unnoticed, resulting in the loss of a prized variegated Wolf’s eye dogwood specimen, and the desiccation of a climbing rose (whose roots were the only thing that remained intact). Additionally, there was unprecedented damage to a wisteria standard and a coral-barked maple tree. But while all that is of interest to me, you probably just want to get right to the shirtless guys whose nipples and ass cheeks you may have missed over the last week. Well, let’s do it.

Apparently Shane Mumford is a hot beefy ball player from Down Under, not a member of Mumford & Sons.

I think I’ve got one more tour in me. Sound the alarms.

The rather lovely Luis Santaella bulging through his underwear.

With all the (supposedly) racy images I post on FaceBook and Instagram and Twitter, how does it happen that this is the one that gets reported? I’ve been far more naked than that before.

Everyone loves a gay porn star, so Chris Harder was a popular selection as Hunk of the Day.

Sometimes Tom Ford fails, but more often than not he succeeds (see below).

Soft and sweet, but no word on sticky.

Please not go bang-crash in the middle of the night.

Pop these cherries.

One of my favorite memories ever involves sequins, Winnie-the-Pooh and a blonde lady from Florida.

Jesse Jackman and Dirk Caber formed a rare Double Hunk of the Day.

Finding love in an unlikely box of chocolates.

Leave it to Cosmo to get television actor Nick Wechsler naked but for a towel.

Case in point of a Tom Ford stellar success.

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Of Tom Ford’s Rose & Oud

The literature for Tom Ford’s Private Blend ‘Oud Fleur’ was typically over the top and deliciously dramatic:

Noble. Luxurious. Distinct. Oud Fleur eau de parfum by Tom Ford unfolds like a brocaded silk damask of two deeply iconic Arabian ingredients: Rose and Oud Wood. The gloriously rich and aged complexity that makes oud the most prized and noble wood in perfumery, is contrasted with a symphony of rose effects orchestrated to capture every dimension of the flower.

Of course, I had to have it (even if I didn’t expect to have it quite so soon, and in such happy fashion). This is a scent that seduces. When it was first released, I was on a bit of an oud overload, so ‘Fleur’ and its sister ‘Tobacco Oud’ were put on the back burner of my mind. Since that time I’ve tried it on a few occasions and smelled it on a few people, and it’s become one of my favorite Private Blends.

The overpowering and underlying scent lines are very much constructed of oud, but intertwined indelibly, and brilliantly, is a thread of resonant rose notes that rings gloriously of rich, smoky floral spice. Some of Ford’s florals I find problematic, but this one works on every plane, and positions itself smack-dab on the crux between masculine and feminine. (I know that crux. I love that crux.)

It is the perfect fragrance for greeting the spring after a gray winter. It holds onto a wisp of smoky winter air, then takes flight on the wings of a rose-laden breeze. It’s got some strong staying-power as well, justifying its Private Blend price point both in beauty and duration.

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Love in a Box of Chocolates

If you’ve ever doubted your worth, either from a childhood of conditional love or a string of failed romantic relationships or a simple period of feeling down, then you might have an inkling about what I’m talking about in this post. Despite the often-obnoxious front I put up on this website and in my daily life, it’s still sometimes difficult for me to fathom that I have an effect on people, and that people might actually value me. I will occasionally marvel that someone in my office building, whom I’ve never met before, knows who I am. Part of it is because I’m so bad at remembering names and people that I just assume others do the same, but part of it comes from a deep-seeded disbelief that I matter. The smokescreen of all the fabulousness that surrounds me is only proof of this underlying fallibility.

I recently transferred offices, moving back to downtown Albany after a little over a year at an office in Rensselaer. As much as I loved the people in the office, and as integral and valued as I felt, it still took me by surprise to see and realize the bonds that I’d made in that relatively short time frame. I’m not one to require a pat on the back or regular acknowledgment of accomplishments (if I did, I wouldn’t have made it beyond childhood), but when it happens I do my best to be gracious and appreciative. I know how rare it can be.

During my time in that office, I came to know and adore the people with whom I had the privilege of working. I also hoped I added something to the office that went beyond the capable performance of my job duties. I’ll never be the greatest or most technically proficient at my job, but I’ve always felt I bring something else to an office environment that raises morale and makes it a little more enjoyable to come to work. It’s not something that can necessarily be evaluated in a job review or put down on paper with any measurable units of output – but you know it when it’s there, and you realize it even more when it’s gone. Even with this awareness, however, I was completely caught off guard with the parting gift of that office across the river.

Having asked that no big party or to-do was in the works, I relaxed on my last day, counting on the fact that nothing like a tearful going-away scene was about to be enacted. (For the cajillionth time, I honestly do not do well when the focus of all attention is directed on me. I wilt in that limelight. Disbelieve at your own peril.)

As we were enjoying a lunch for Administrative Assistant’s Day, my supervisor presented me with a box of Whitman Chocolates. I thought I disguised my lack of enthusiasm for the present pretty well (I’m not a box-of-chocolates kind of guy) though later I was told my distaste was quite apparent. Not wanting to make a production, I said a quick ‘Thank you’ and tried to move the attention on toward someone else. Instead, they insisted that I open it. Now, if I’m not a box-of-chocolates kind of guy, I’m even less of a let’s-open-the-gifts-and-ooh-and-ahh-like-we’re-at-a-baby-shower type of guy. But they had always been good to me in that office, so I obliged in this one last act of appreciation.

After breaking through the outer plastic wrap, I lifted the top of the box. In the center of the chocolates was the familiar rectangular box of a Tom Ford Private Blend, ‘Oud Fleur.’ At that instant I was too much in shock to fully convey what I was feeling, but it was the closest I’ve come to crying in a long time. That someone had listened, and had made the effort to know me enough to make the perfect choice, touched me in ways that most gifts never could. Usually only Andy is adept, and concerned, enough to figure out what I really want. Here was a group of people I’d known just a year, showing that I had made an impression on the office after all, that my presence had not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. I was moved.

Though I’ve moved on to another office, I will always hold my time there, and the people I met along the way, close to my heart.

(Special shout-out to my friend Ginny, whom I know did more than her fair share to make this glorious miracle happen.)

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A Heart of Sequins (Via Winnie-the-Pooh)

I’d been working on the outfit for days, even if I didn’t have a place to wear it. It was an old Winnie-the-Pooh Halloween costume, but it still fit, though it was more of a short-legged jumper at this point. A bright golden yellow formed the sunny background to the spot of cherry red that was emblazoned on the chest in the shape of a heart. I sprinkled it with sequins and glued them on, then outlined the heart with a thin velvet ribbon that was gorgeously on the border between lavender and purple. It stayed in my closet for when I wanted to wear something special, and I would add a sequin or two whenever I happened upon such magical flotsam and jetsam. A feather or two may have found their way onto the outfit as well, as feathers tend to do in my presence.

Despite my love of it, this wasn’t anything I’d wear in front of people. It was never my intent to show off or put it on for anyone other than the stuffed animals in my bedroom, and certainly not for anyone outside my immediate family. I just loved the way it looked, and loved the way it looked in the mirror when it was on. That was enough then, and it’s still enough now. There was comfort in surrounding myself with prettiness, a safety in being in such close proximity to beauty. The colors of the red and purple together, the sparkle of the glue-gobbed sequins, and the vibrant corn-hued backdrop were indubitably a mess, but I loved it all. Most infantile taste is garish at best, but the brightest beginnings can be just as auspicious as the quieter ones.

My parents didn’t do much entertaining, so when they did it was always an event. On a Saturday night, they were having a few old neighbors over who had moved to Florida but still visited once a year. It was a special occasion, as much for the rarity of the long journey that got them there as for the uncommon dining formality, in which we got to eat in the formal dining room (and slip under the table before the meal was done, as kids tend to do).

I distinctly remembered our former neighbor ~ an elegant blonde woman who personified fabulousness in a way that had me wondering how she had ever landed in Amsterdam, New York. She was brash and funny and outspoken, and I loved that feistiness. She was also bold in her taste, with a big bag that she rummaged in for sunglasses or other fancy accoutrements during the brief course of her stay. It was my first glimpse of glamour. My mother had a chest-drawer full of pretty scarves and a jewelry box filled with gold and silver, but I always sensed she was more practical in her style. I longed for the ridiculous gaudy sparkle of my grandmother’s costume pieces, or the shimmering bugle beads of her ornamental, if impractically small, purse.

Our glamorous neighbor sat on the living room couch and talked to me like I was an adult. Part of me was scared, part of me was thrilled, and part of me felt like someone was finally listening. Unbeknownst to anyone, and perhaps even to herself, she had detected something in me that no one had acknowledged. I don’t know whether it was just that I was gay or different, but at the time I knew that it was something special.

Somehow we got around to discussing my Winnie-the-Pooh-on-drag-acid outfit, and she encouraged me to put it on. I was a shy boy, but in her exuberance I sensed acceptance, an unconditional sort of acceptance that was somehow foreign to me. I bounded upstairs and slipped into it. Almost too shy to come back, I sheepishly re-entered the living room. (Actually, I think I may have cartwheeled in and then crumpled to the floor trying to disappear from view. Such is the bane of the painfully-introverted extrovert.) She summoned me over to her, where she put her hand upon my sequined heart, admiring the not-so-fine handiwork and exclaiming over its creativity and beauty. It was genuine praise, coupled with a knowing glint in her eye. That’s how I read it anyway, and that’s what mattered.

She saw something in me that my parents hadn’t seen. Or if they had, they never let on. It was something I had not yet seen in myself but something so special and so emboldening that at that moment my life changed forever, even at such a young age. Three decades later I still think back to that night and remember the feeling. Whenever I sense my confidence faltering, I recall how impressed she was by a few messily-glued sequins on an old Halloween costume. Sometimes, a confident facade is enough to stave off the cruelty of the world until you can gain the real thing back.

I’m sure I’m the only one who remembers it but I remember it distinctly and clearly as if it had happened yesterday. It has had that much of an effect on me. It was the first time someone saw something special in store for me. It was the first time someone encouraged me. It was the first time I felt like my creativity had worth.

It meant that I might have worth too.

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