I love my honey stick.
It is a thing of beauty.
It’s just the right size for getting those hard-to-reach spots.
And it always comes out perfectly covered in delicious goo.
Monthly Archives:
October 2013
31
October
2013
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October
2013
31
October
2013
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October
2013
Trick or Treat
Happy Halloween to all you heathens celebrating this dastardly day.
I’m not dressing up this year, but once upon a time, I was a beaver.
31
October
2013
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October
2013
Taking The Costume Off
You might assume, given my penchant for dress-up, that Halloween would be my favorite holiday. In truth, it’s my day off. When everyone else is dressed in crazy costumes, I tend to go the opposite direction. I hate a herd. That’s not to say that I’ve never gotten dressed up and costumed out – but there’s no challenge in wearing a ridiculous outfit when the rest of the world has condoned it. Try wearing your get-ups to the supermarket on an average Tuesday night in March and then talk to me about daring.
(When you’re mistaken for a clown in Ponderosa, that sort of stank and taint stays with you. Of course I’m talking about the Ponderosa part. I’d wear those color-block silk boxers and that sequin beret any day.)
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October
2013
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October
2013
Fern Fronds, From Behind
These lady ferns looked especially striking when the late-afternoon sunlight shone through their almost translucent fronds. This is the sort of scene reserved for fall, when forest trees have let go of some of their cargo, allowing for such light to finally penetrate through to the shade-loving species who now revel in the last of the seasonal glow.
30
October
2013
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October
2013
The Photos That FaceBook and Instagram Banned
Littered with hubris, dismissive of comments, and vainglorious of content, I’ve never made a secret that this place is as self-serving as it gets. Which is what a personal website should be. The same goes for my FaceBook and Twitter and Instagram profiles. You are free to not visit if what I do is so offensive and tasteless to you.
A few days ago, someone reported the photos below and FaceBook and Instagram decided to remove them. At first it was mildly annoying. I’ve run afoul of their “nudity/pornography†standards once or twice in the past (those pics mostly happened in Las Vegas – they’re here somewhere – I would search for them if I were you). This time around, however, it irked me that someone had gone out of their way to report a harmless jockstrap photo. (Here’s where I turn into a bit of a twat, so skip ahead if you don’t need/deserve to hear it.) If what I post bothers you, defriend me or stop following me, because quite frankly I have no idea who you are, nor do I care to find out. I guarantee that I’m not visiting your page or profile, and there’s a good chance I don’t even know you exist. You’re not on my radar, but clearly I’m on yours. (Cunty rant over.)
So I got off for a while. FaceBook, that is, to see how it would affect my website stats. I expected a slight downturn, as it seemed that so many of the hits for this site were driven by FaceBook, but I was pleasantly surprised. Rather than hurt website traffic, it actually improved it. (We clocked our biggest number of hits in a month – over 11 million – neatly beating this banner month.) It turns out that if you can’t see something because FaceBook or Instagram removed it, you have to come here to view it. So to the person that reported my jockstrap bulge for its obscene and pornographic nature, thank you. And please, do it again. I know you’ll be watching me. You can’t help it.
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October
2013
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October
2013
A Final Act of Floral Defiance
Flowers are different in the fall. Whether it’s in the form of bolder hues, smaller size, or frost-nipped deformations, they have a character all their own. They also have the benefit of an afternoon light that is lower in the sky, more flattering, and somehow more revealing. Such is the case with this hydrangea specimen, caught in this backlit moment, putting on a quiet year-end show for no one in particular – all the garden parties and patio dinners have long since ceased. Yet it blooms on, mocking the soft frosts, defying the cool wind, and holding onto its blush carriage for as long as the sun entertains its final flirtation. I admire anything that sees the show through to the very end.
29
October
2013
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October
2013
On the Train for Reno-(vation)
Our kitchen project, years in the planning stages, is finally being finalized. It’s a total renovation, with walls coming down, windows being moved, and the space being gutted. We’ve settled on a cabinet and counter designer (the marvelous Michelle at Builder’s Kitchens Inc.), a contractor (Skylands Services, Inc.), a granite supplier (Empire State Stone) and a tile place (Albany Tile, Carpet & Rug). So far, we’ve figured out the basic design and set-up, and ordered most of the initial big-ticket items. These early stages are the fun ones, or so I’ve been told, and once the real demotion and rebuilding begins I will be out of town for as much as possible (hello, Boston!) However, I’m bracing myself for a rather stressful and difficult ordeal – physically, mentally, and financially.
I’ve already told Andy I want some bit of budget buffer for if, and likely when, unexpected costs arise, but he seemed rather unconcerned with it. In fact, he was already planning other ideas for any leftover money, at which I laughed but didn’t bother to argue. I’ve learned to be patient and let myself be proven right when it all happens as I predict it will happen. (This is how it has gone for my entire life, so I don’t expect differently any more.)
I’ll document things as best as I can, and this blog will serve as a cathartic way of ranting and raving if things grind to a halt or I get crushed by a falling soffit. Demolition is scheduled to begin by December 2 – just in time for the holiday season! Already, we’ve moved the Holiday Party to my parents’ house (which means a drastically-reduced guest list – let’s just say that if you’ve never invited me to your house, you have no right or reason to feel slighted).
This is going to be a wild ride, and the only way we’re going to get through it is to hunker down and just do as I say. Sorry, but this is not a democracy.
(FYI – The feature photo that accompanies this post was the former wall-paper in the kitchen area – just to give you an idea of how over-due this is, and a dose of 70’s nostalgia!)
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October
2013
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October
2013
When the Bark is Better than the Bite
The coral-bark Japanese maple is a magical tree. Named for its gorgeous red bark, it offers a stellar all-season show, from the crimson of said bark providing a bright spot in the winter months, to the light green foliage of early spring, the deeper green of high summer, and this brilliant fall finale. On sunny autumn days, it absolutely glows, resplendent against a blue sky, and during darker spells it illuminates whatever corner is lucky enough to house its beauty. The coral aspect of the bark is most pronounced in its first few years, so pruning is beneficial not only to keep its size in check, but to stimulate new stem growth.
28
October
2013
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October
2013
Monday AM Recap ~ A Fright
This week the calendar turns the page on October, which means that the velocity with which we’re heading into the holiday season is truly frightening. More frightening than Halloween (which, when you dress like I do, is traditionally my day off). I’m afraid this year will prove no exception. Onto the recap of all that came before…
First and always foremost, the week in Hunks was represented by the bodies and faces of Rob Evans, Liam Hemsworth, Jared Allman, along with this gratuitous jockstrap preparation, in breathless anticipation of…
The Jockstrap Shots ~ Part 1 and Part 2. (And a sneak preview.)
The soundtrack to the week was provided by London Grammar, Â but there was a pair of epic Madonna posts, Part 1 and Part 2, to commemorate the 100th Madonna Timeline (coming up soon!)
But mostly the week belonged to memories of Ogunquit, including some giant pumpkin carving, a few courageous fall bloomers, a virgin trip up the mountain, a witch’s flying mishap, and a goodbye until next year.
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October
2013
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October
2013
The Jockstrap Shots: Part 2
Sorry, I’d much rather see Tom Brady, or at the very least Rob Gronkowski, in a jockstrap (or out of one), but they didn’t return my calls in time so you’ll have to make do with my dick and ass.
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October
2013
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October
2013
The Jockstrap Shots: Part 1
There are only a few more years (months?) that my body will be able to squeeze into a jockstrap, so here is our semi-annual jockstrap photo shoot, in honor of the World Series – and the Boston Red Sox. You can relax with the knowledge that I won’t be getting back in the jock until the Superbowl. (And even then I’m not making any promises. A jockstrap is anything but forgiving.)
PS – Stay tuned for Part 2…
However, it is a rather functional piece of clothing, which, I’m guessing, is why it remains a mainstay in the sports world. And the gratuitous gay fashion world too. Calling Andrew Christian…
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October
2013
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October
2013
A Madonna Timeline Retrospective: 2
Continuing the look back at the Madonna Timeline, here are entries #51 through #99. The 100th post is in-the-works. It’s not a well-known or classic song, but it should have been. Coming up soon…
26
October
2013
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October
2013
A Madonna Timeline Retrospective: 1
The 100th Madonna Timeline is about to be reached. That’s right, so far we’ve done 99 songs from the Material Girl (but a bitch ain’t one) and here are the first 50. Find your favorite and click on the link. (If we’re lucky, it will still work!)
#1 – Who’s That Girl
#2 – Bye Bye Baby
#3 – Push
#4 – Future Lovers
#5 – Stay
#6 – Keep it Together
#7 – Heartbeat
#8 – Cherish
#9 – Promise to Try
#10 – Sky Fits Heaven
#11 – Justify My Love
#12 – Over and Over
#13 – Forbidden Love
#14 – Frozen
#15 – Nobody Knows Me
#16 – Isaac
#17 – Don’t Cry For Me Argentina
#18 – Supernatural
#19 – Waltz for Eva & Che
#20 – To Have & Not to Hold
#21 – She’s Not Me
#22 – Thief of Hearts
#23 – ‘Til Death Do Us Part
#24 – Shanti/Ashtangi
#25 – Love Makes the World Go Round
#26 – Music
#27 – I’ll Remember
#28 – Give It 2 Me
#29 – He’s A Man
#30 – Incredible
#31 – Another Suitcase in Another Hall
#32 – Hollywood
#33 – Sooner or Later
#34 – Angel
#35 – Amazing
#36- Don’t Tell Me
#37 – Hanky Panky
#38 – La Isla Bonita
#39 – Erotica
#40 – You Must Love Me
#41 – Let It Will Be
#42 – Voices
#43 – Hung Up
#44 – Beat Goes On
#45 – Miles Away
#46 – This Used to Be My Playground
#47 – Spanish Lesson
#48 – You’ll See
#49 – 4 Minutes
#50 – Celebration
26
October
2013
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October
2013
Jockstrap Preparation
In joyful anticipation of the impending World-Series-inspired jockstrap post(s), here’s a linky look back at some of the sports stars who have shirtlessly and gratuitously graced the Archives of www.ALANILAGAN.com, starting with a baseball player.
This is a very naked Matt Harvey, posing for the ESPN Naked Issue (the only reason for that publication’s existence).
The naked tool known as Rob Gronkowski in his almost-altogether.
The first openly-gay NBA player Jason Collins.
UPDATE:Â Puckish stud and hockey player Sean Avery is NOT engaged to Andy Cohen.
Mr. Tom Brady, in tight pants. Need more be said?
Another football player shirtless and in tight pants, Danny Amendola
And yet another football player, Drew Brees, caught getting shirtless and sudsy in the shower.
Finally, straight ally sports star Matt Jarvis, doing laundry without clothes on. At least there’s a flimsy reason for that gratuitous male nudity.
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October
2013
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October
2013
You Can’t Choose Your Family
If you were in my position…
In my family…
You would drink too.
